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Tuesday, February 28, 2006

NEWS OF THE FUTURE: (Hey, it hasn’t happened yet, but it just might!!)

Hello everyone! It’s your newest pal Jason KB here at DogSpunk bringing you the first of what I hope will be many editions of “News of the Future.” The point is simply this: to predict what is going to happen in all things news and entertainment, spin it around, then punch it in the face with a fistful of funny. Ready? Here we go...

Item #1 Brokeback Mountain Wins the Best Picture Oscar

After learning of the film’s Academy Award victory, President Bush raises the terror alert level to red and calls a press conference in which he announces that intelligence reports have surfaced which suggest Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger are working for Al-Qaeda.

Bill O’Reilly covers the story during his nightly “Talking Points Memo” and talks live on-air to military strategists (read: paid Fox News analysts) who feel we should launch a preemptive strike on Hollywood. Use of the atomic bomb is mentioned sporadically as a possible option.

Rush Limbaugh, in an uproar over the film’s success, spends a great deal of his next radio broadcast blaming the liberal media for everything from his drug addiction to his second and third chins. With tears streaming down his face, he abruptly signs off in the middle of his show, rushes home and snorts approximately 300 Oxycontin pills and drops dead. The autopsy report later mentions 75 pounds of undigested Arby’s roast beef in his colon and, oddly, 6 oz. of his own semen in his stomach.

O’Reilly calls the report “yet another attempt by the Liberals to discredit and humiliate an otherwise fine, upstanding, human being.”

Item #2 Gwyneth Paltrow Gives Birth To Second Child

After a brief labor, Paltrow and rocker husband Chris Martin welcome a beautiful, bouncing, baby boy into the world. Weighing in at just over 7 pounds, the child is named Orange Speed of Sound Rockadoodle Martin. This infuriates Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, who issue a joint statement accusing their fellow entertainers of “purposefully trying to come up with a name stupider than the one we were planning to give our child.”

Item #3 Mitch Albom’s Third Cousin, Twice Removed, Dies

Mitch Albom, acclaimed sportswriter and author of “Tuesdays With Morrie” and “The Five People You Meet in Heaven,” experienced a tragedy when his third cousin, twice removed, was found dead of natural causes. Albom admits to only meeting him once, when he was “like 6 or 7,” but still says the loss has hit him hard.

Never one to allow grieving to interfere with his ability to make money, Albom plans on capitalizing on this death to release two more books. The first, due next fall, is a sequel to a previous novel and will be called “Wednesdays With Morrie.” The second, which will be based on memories of his cousin and hit bookstores in 2008, is tentatively entitled “Cha-Ching: Remembrances of Someone I Met Who is Dead Now.”

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