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Thursday, May 25, 2006

BIN LADEN RELEASES TAPE, HOLLAS AT HIS BITCHES

Osama bin Laden, leader of Al-Qaeda, has released a new tape in which he admits that the recently convicted Zacarias Moussaoui had nothing to do with the terrorist attacks on September 11th.

"I am the one in charge of the 19 brothers and I never assigned brother Zacarias to be with them in that mission," he said, thus fueling belief that Moussaoui was more interested in martyrdom than being a suicide bomber.

Before bin Laden issued that statement, however, he shocked American translators by the many other things he had to say. For instance, he appeared to lead off the recording by specifically acknowledging certain groups of his admirers. Said bin Laden: “I first want to give a shout out to all my bitches and hoes in Afghanistan. You know I got much love for all ya’all.”

He added: “I want you to know I’m doing well and have appreciated the care packages you have sent me. The newest Kanye West CD, in particular, was phat.”

Bin Laden, always one to stay in contact with his followers, closed the recording by offering a new way to track his activity: the World Wide Web.

“For those that have internet access, I would like to formally announce the opening of my first Myspace site,” he said. “Be sure to leave me comments on all the cool pics I have uploaded. Kudos on my blog entries would be totally sweet as well.”

Messages left for Tom have gone unreturned.


Read More Here:

Osama bin Laden

Myspace

Kanye West

September 11th



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Tuesday, May 16, 2006

TIMELESS MOVIE CHARACTERS: Buffalo Bill

A few years ago and some days after recovering from watching Requiem For A Dream (what an utterly fucking depressing movie, but awesome nonetheless), I was searching online and stumbled onto this awesome article at 141Empire. It featured one of my favorite movie characters of all time: the Ass-To-Ass guy, or "Uncle Hank."

It was some of the funniest pieces of comedy I'd ever read and I always wondered if the author, Mike "80's" Butler, would ever write anything like it again. Well, years have passed and sadly, the site hasn't been updated.

Nevertheless, Mr. Butler's act of recognizing the awesome and exciting characters in films that everyone seems to forget was inspiring. Since nothing has been posted to 141empire in ages, we here at DogSpunk have decided to take the torch and continue to pay tribute to Timeless Movie Characters.

We hope you enjoy our series, and to kick it off, we are recognizing the comedic prowess of Ted Levine as Buffalo Bill in Silence of The Lambs.

---Silence--

If there is one movie that I can say without a doubt is near perfection in every aspect - casting, acting, direction, musical score, etc., it's Silence of The Lambs. It's an absolute cinematic masterpiece.

It has contributed so much to pop culture and inspired countless imitations of its characters and scenes in other films. Anthony Hopkins's performance alone has chilled movie fanatics of many generations: "A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti."

Anyway, something many people haven't considered is as much as Silence of The Lambs was psychologically intriguing, thrilling, suspenseful and downright frightening, it was also really fucking funny.

As the twisted, woman-suit-making Buffalo Bill, (or Jame Gumb) Ted Levine had some of the most awesome and unintentionally funny lines of any character in a movie about serial killers.

---"I'd fuck me"---

Who could forget how Buffalo Bill revealed that not only was he homicidal, but also narcissistic ? What he said to himself with Q Lazzarus's haunting song "Goodbye Horses" in the background is something that leaves an imprint in your mind...but only because it's so fucking funny and comes out of nowhere that you will laugh each time you remember it:

Jame "Buffalo Bill" Gumb: [to a mirror] Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me. I'd fuck me hard.

With a sexy-ass nipple ring like that, who wouldn't ?

---"It puts the lotion in the basket"---

This one probably hits a sore spot for many people, because it IS one of the most emotionally striking scenes in the film by far. However, that still doesn't take away the fact that Buffalo Bill's famous "Lotion" speech is hilarious from the first time he tells "it" to put the lotion on its skin to the very last moment when he flips out like an enraged maniac.

Jame "Buffalo Bill" Gumb: It rubs the lotion on its skin. It does this whenever it is told.

Catherine Martin: Mister... my family will pay cash. Whatever ransom you're askin' for, they pay it.

Jame "Buffalo Bill" Gumb: It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.

[to his dog, Precious]

Jame "Buffalo Bill" Gumb: Yes, it will, Precious, won't it? It will get the hose!
Catherine Martin: Okay... okay... okay. Mister, if you let me go, I won't - I won't press charges I promise. See, my mom is a real important woman... I guess you already know that.

Jame "Buffalo Bill" Gumb: Now it places the lotion in the basket.

Catherine Martin: Please! Please I wanna go home! I wanna go home please!

Jame "Buffalo Bill" Gumb: It places the lotion in the basket.

Catherine Martin: I wanna see my mommy! Please I wanna see my...

Jame "Buffalo Bill" Gumb: Put the fucking lotion in the basket!

---"A great big fat person"---

By far my favorite scene in the movie. I love to randomly ask people the same question that Buffalo Bill asks Clarice and see if they know what I'm talking about. Most people react with a perplexed expression on their face, but for those who are in the know, they can't help but bust out laughing.

Ted Levine's facial gestures and trademark voice is just too funny:

Clarice Starling: Your name is?

Jame "Buffalo Bill" Gumb: Oh, uh Jack Gordon.

Clarice Starling: Mr. Gordon, good, uh... well Frederica used to work for Mrs.

Lippman. Did you know her?

Jame "Buffalo Bill" Gumb: No, nuh-uh. Oh wait... was she a great big fat person?

Clarice Starling: Yeah she was a big girl, sir.

---Lotion---

This here's just for kicks. The Greenskeepers, a band I know nearly nothing about, released the music video "Lotion," a song based on Buffalo Bill's lines accompanied by scenes lifted from the film.

If you are a fan of Silence of The Lambs and have any sense of humor at all, you will enjoy it.

However, If you are one of those people that to this day takes Silence of The Lambs seriously and is actually still afraid to watch it (and believes that Jame Gumb lives next door) or gets offended by scenes from it, then I suggest not playing the video.

---"Precious !"---

Well, this concludes our tribute to Buffalo Bill, timeless not only for his obsession with becoming a woman, fabulous and memorable lines, but also for busting out arguably the most famous man-gina in cinematic history.


Technorati Tags: Silence of The Lambs, Buffalo Bill, Jame Gumb, Ted Levine, Anthony Hopkins, Movies, Films, Movie, Film, Funny Movie

Sunday, May 14, 2006

NEWS OF THE FUTURE: GOP STYLE

Today’s edition of News of the Future comes after a wave of inspiration due, mainly in part, to our President being a moron. I’m sure many of you can relate.

Now here’s how it works: We read the news and make educated guesses, usually funny, about what will happen based on the information we have. Sound good to you? Yeah? Well, then let’s get it started!


WITH APPROVAL RATING NEAR 2 PERCENT; BUSH ANNOUNCES THAT POLLING IS AN ACT OF TERROR

George W. Bush, whose approval rating will soon fall to 2 percent, has issued a Presidential Proclamation that taking polls is now akin to a terrorist act.

“Taking polls undermines my Presidency and, more importantly, hurts America in the war on terror,” Bush said. “For this reason, I have outlawed the people at the Gallup Organization, Louis Harris and Associates and Zogby’s from conducting research and reporting their findings ever again. Terrorism must be fought on all fronts and at all costs.”

When approached, no pollster offered comment due to fear of a preemptive missile strike on their homes or businesses.

Bush, however, was more than happy to keep babbling. Said the President, “There is a new weapon being used by Osama bin Laden and the evildoers in Al-Qaeda and that weapon is the poll. We must fight the pollsters here so we don’t have to fight them there. Or something like that.”

Fox News will not be effected.


REPUBLICAN PRESS RELEASE CALLS FOR NEW BULLSHIT ISSUES COME ELECTION TIME

Republicans, seemingly fresh out of ideas, have issued a press release asking all conservatives for help coming up with new bullshit ideas to help swing votes their way come election time.

“We have succeeded in terrorizing swing voters with Gay Marriage and the omnipresent threat of terrorism. And remember the time we got people to doubt John Kerry’s bravery during the Vietnam War? That was awesome,” said the press release. “But now we’ve run out of ideas. We desperately need to think of more bullshit and fast.”

It went on to state: “It’s almost election time and Americans are starting to remember how horrible of a party we are. So, yeah, help us think of stuff.”

When asked for comment, Dick Cheney said “At first, we were thinking of linking high gas prices to John Edwards somehow, but we couldn’t really come up with anything that sounded good. And we eventually realized the high gas prices were our fault anyway. So, ya know. No luck there.”

He added: “Seriously, if we don’t come up with a new way to make Democrats appear weak on terror or turn Hillary Clinton into a lesbian dominatrix, we’re probably gonna end up having to wait for Howard Dean to scream again. Heck, it's worked before.”


BUSH ASKS POPE TO DECLARE HIS LIFE A MIRACLE

President George W. Bush is so amazed at the fact that he hasn’t been assassinated yet that he has asked Pope Benedict XVI to consider his life a miracle.

“I was just telling my dad the other day, “Dad, can you believe after all the shit I’ve pulled that I ain’t been killed yet?”

Added Bush: “I mean, what’s a bumbling ol’ hillbilly President gotta do to get shot at nowadays?”

The President apparently got the idea after being told last week by an advisor that former presidents had been killed in office before.

“Yeah, I never been much good at history and whatnot. Books on learnin’ ain’t really my thing. But, c’mon now. Kennedy? Lincoln? Heck, I screwed up way worse then them and I ain’t dead. So I figured I’d give this miracle business a try.”

The Vatican issued no comment.


Read more here:

Bush Approval Rating

Republican Tactics

Pope Benedict

Miracles

Presidential Assassinations



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HEADLINES: Read em and weep!

In case you haven’t visited DogSpunk before, this is a little segment we like to call Headlines. What we do is collect random news stories and then tell you what to think...just like the real media! The difference is we make it funny. So, what are you waiting for? Read on...


George Dubya Says Catching Fish His Greatest Accomplishment

BBC

President George W Bush has revealed to a German newspaper his best moment since he took office in 2001.

"I would say the best moment of all was when I caught a 7.5lb (3.4kg) perch in my lake," he told Bild am Sonntag.


Sadly, he’s right. Catching a fish, which was artificially stocked in his man-made lake, probably WAS his greatest accomplishment.


Reggie Bush Begins Life in New Orleans

By JASON KB, DogSpunk Sports Reporter

Highly touted USC running back, Reggie Bush, attended his first minicamp with the New Orleans Saints this weekend.

Bush, who was the second overall pick in this year’s NFL Draft, seemed very happy in his new surroundings:

"The way the city has embraced me, welcomed me, has been crazy," Bush said. "I'm so excited to be here."

This marks the first time in a while that residents of New Orleans were glad to find out anyone named Bush was in town.


McCain Makes Stop at Falwell's University

By SUE LINDSEY, AP Writer

LYNCHBURG, Va. - Sen. John McCain, looking to heal a rift with the religious conservatives who undermined his 2000 White House bid, told students graduating at the Rev. Jerry Falwell's university Saturday that Americans have a right to disagree on issues but should maintain respect for each other.

McCain's address made no direct mention of the political divide that separated McCain and Falwell after the Baptist preacher opposed his campaign for the GOP nomination in 2000 and supported George W. Bush. At the time, McCain labeled Falwell and others on the right and the left as "agents of intolerance."


Anyone else remember when McCain was a respected political figure? He has gone, in the span of 6 years, from a straight talking member of Congress to a guy who just kisses the ass of anyone he thinks can get him elected President. Hell, I can almost hear the slupring sounds from here.


Read more here:

Reggie Bush Picked 2nd By Saints

Reggie Bush Attends First Minicamp

Bush’s Fish Story

Bush Reveals Greatest Accomplishment

McCain Attends Falwell’s University


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Thursday, May 11, 2006

THE DAVID BLAINE EXPERIMENT

David Blaine is a tool. There, I said it. Now, believe me, I used to actually like him. I thought his Street Magic specials were great. They excited people about magic during a time when interest in acts like David Copperfield were waining. So, what did Blaine do with his newly found fame? He became a cheap moronic stuntman.

Seriously, does anyone else remember when Davd Blaine performed actual magic tricks? I know he sprinkles a few card illusions throughout his specials now, but c’mon...what happened to the magic? Now he is just a guy who sits inside a box for a week while people throw tomatoes at him or something. My oh my, what will he think of next?

And that brings me to the point of this article. We are going to do a little experiment. Remember those fun little science experiments you would find on the back of cereal boxes and such? The ones that told you what you would need for the experiment about how to carry it out? Well, that’s kinda like what we are going to do today. Ours will be called “The David Blaine Experiment” and we will be trying to figure out, with simple science and probability, exactly what his next stunt will be.

Here is what you’ll need:

1) A suitable writing utensil

2) About 12 slips of paper large enough to hold short phrases.

3) Three hats, size and style not important

Here is what you do:

On the first four slips of paper, write down different containers that David Blaine will lock himself into. For instance, he has been encased in a block of ice, in a glass box, a water filled sphere, etc. So, for instance, write down “a block of ice” on one slip and go from there. You can actually use more than four suggestions if you want to use more than 12 total slips of paper Feel free to add new containers for Blaine if you think of something he hasn’t used yet. Heck, be creative. Science can be fun! Once you are done, fold the papers up and place them into the first of the three hats for later.

For the next step, you will do pretty much the same thing. But instead of writing down what Blaine’s container will consist of, this time you will write down how long he will be in it. 24 hours, 48 hours, a week, a month...it’s up to you. Again, once you finish writing down the timeframes, fold the papers and place them into the second hat.

The final thing you’ll want to do for this stage of the experiment is to use your remaining paper to write down variables for Blaine’s stunt. Don’t be afraid to be silly or outlandish. For instance, you might want to write something like “people throw garbage at him” to illustrate how some of Blaine’s stunts cause people to act aggressively. Personally, one of my variables will be “midgets pee on him twice an hour.” Like I said, don’t be afraid to be a little silly. And once you are done, fold these final papers and place them into your third hat.

Now here is what makes it all worthwhile. Pick up the first hat and shake it to mix the suggestions up. Once you are done, pick one out at random. Do the same for each of the two remaining hats. Now unfold your slips of paper, add a little creative license, and unveil the stunt you have created for David Blaine!

When you have finished, you should see something funny that probably isn’t too far removed from what his next ABC special will actually be. Here is what I came up with in order of the draw:

A Pine Box. One Week. Elephants Poop On Him Daily.

So what does this mean for David Blaine? It means that I have predicted his next stunt to be one in which he locks himself in a pine box for one week while elephants poop on him daily. Someone call ABC. I think we’ve got a hit on our hands.

Now you try. It’s actually pretty fun. And the best part is, the more suggestions you put in, the more different predictions you will be able to make. So go wild and, if you’d like, share some of the ones you came up with by posting a comment below. We’d love to hear from you. Now, get cracking!



Read More Here....

David Blaine, Drowned Alive


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THE BRIGHT SIDE: Good News/Bad News

Sometimes the news isn’t exactly what it seems. Sometimes stories that seem full of bad news actually have little bits of happiness in them, hidden deep behind the sadness. That is where DogSpunk comes in. We find these stories that have sad undertones and help you to look at the bright side. Enjoy!


Ex-Band Manager Gets 4 Years for R.I. Fire

Daniel Biechele, former manager of 80s rock band Great White, was sentenced to 4 years in prison for his role in the accidental fire that killed 100 people at a Rhode Island nightclub in 2003. Among the dead were the band’s guitarist.

THE BAD NEWS:

100 people had to die

THE GOOD NEWS:

One of them was Great White’s guitarist. And that band sucked.



Keith Richards Discharged From Hospital

Rolling Stone’s guitarist Keith Richards was released from the hospital recently after undergoing surgery to relieve pressure in his head following a fall from a palm tree in Fiji.

THE BAD NEWS:

He got seriously hurt and may never fully recover.

THE GOOD NEWS:

Keith left just enough drugs available in Fiji for the locals to get high now.



Britney Spears: ...Baby One More Time

Britney Spears announced on David Letterman this week that she is indeed pregnant again, thus confirming the many rumors which had been swirling.

THE BAD NEWS:

Britney Spears is pregnant,obviously.

THE GOOD NEWS:

Maybe this time she’ll die during child birth.



Read More Here....

Great White Nightclub Fire

Keith Richards Hospitalized

Britney Spears Pregnant



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Monday, April 24, 2006

HEADLINES: All up in ya grill wit da news

This was a funny little story I saw on Yahoo News, courtesy of the AP, about current President George Bush visiting former President Gerald Ford at his home in Rancho Mirage, California.


Bush Visits Ailing Former President Ford

Sun Apr 23, 9:49 PM ET

RANCHO MIRAGE, Calif. -
President Bush paid a visit Sunday to the ailing former President Ford at his home in this resort town where Bush was spending the weekend.

The nearly hourlong visit, conducted out of public view and kept under wraps until the last minute, could be the last time Bush would see the oldest living former commander in chief. Ford, 92, was hospitalized with pneumonia for 12 days in January and has not been seen much in public of late.


/ / / / / / / / / / / /


We here at DogSpunk have uncovered a conversation that took place between Bush, an advisor along for the trip, and the former commander in chief. We produce it here, unedited, for your amusement:


BUSH: (to advisor) Gerald Ford is the guy who invented the automobile, right?

ADVISOR: No, sir. That is Henry Ford you are thinking of. And he didn’t
invent the automobile, he applied the use of the assembly line
to manufacture them.

BUSH: Well, what did this Ford invent?

ADVISOR: Nothing, sir. Mr. Ford is the former President of the United States.

BUSH: Oh, President? Like me! Yay!

(Gerald Ford approaches with his wife, Betty)

BUSH: Hey Jerry, nice to see you. Betty, you look wonderful.

(President Bush begins audibly sniffing the air)

BUSH: What’s that smell?

FORD: I just crapped myself.

BUSH: That’s okay. I do that all the time. Now let’s go inside and talk about those assemberly line thingies you invented.


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Saturday, April 22, 2006

GREAT MOMENTS IN FILM: Anne Sellors - Woman Who Urinates Herself

Once again, spending time on the VWVortex forums has proved worthwhile and helped me produce more content for DogSpunk.

I stumbled acrosss a deviously titled thread called "Fantastic Hollywood resume..," expecting to read a discussion about the resumes of such great actors as Sir Ian McKellen or Christopher Lee, both of whom have exceptionally prolific film experience.

I should have known better.

Instead, I learned about the fantastic actress Anne Sellors, famous for her crucial role of "Woman Who Urinates Herself" in the 1984 blockbuster hit "Threads."

Here is the clip in which Sellors demonstrates her incredible acting abilities:


Arsigi, the author of the thread, summed up the woman's probable misery best, saying "She'd probably not have an IMDB listing at !" and later adding "How embarassing for the poor woman. You know her kids/friends/neighbors have to be onto that by now!"

Most people in the world wish to be famous. However, Anne Sellors is probably a woman that wishes she never would have achieved fame at all !

Many thanks to Dave Barry and his reader, Jimmy Madigan for discovering and posting this awesome find !

Further reading:

Dave Barry - Show Business Resume of The Week So Far - 04/16/2006

VWVortex - "Fantastic Hollywood resume..." Thread

YouTube - Anne Sellors: "Woman Who Urinates Herself"

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FUN PICTURE POST: Sing The Song That Ends The Earth

Have you ever heard someone say something so stupid that as soon as you did, it made your head want to explode with rage ?

I know I have, and it happens quite frequently. It's actually one of the reasons why I don't follow politics as closely as I used to.

Anyway, I was on one of my favorite discussion forums when one user notorious for making whiny, self-righteous and inflammatory comments finally touched a nerve with another user. The latter posted this awesome picture:

Penny Arcade - "I Hope You Like Text" - 04/10/2006

I don't care much for the Warhammer and Warcraft content since I don't and probably never will play those games, but the writing is so incredibly dark and sinister that I was just speechless after reading this. Also, the look on the character's face that is receiving the fantastic threat is just priceless !

Thumbs up to the Penny Arcade author for coming up with such an awesome entry. Not only is it really funny, but it's also highly impressive and creative.

Further reading:

Link to Penny Arcade - "I Hope You Like Text" - 04/10/2006

Link to VWVortex Thread - "Volkswagen Bringing Rabbit Nameplate Back"

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Wednesday, April 19, 2006

GEORGE BUSH: BEHIND THE SPEECH

Recently our old pal G-Dubbya admitted to hearing voices and announced rather firmly that he has apparently been annointed as a super-being known only as “The Decider.” Here, read for yourself...


Bush: "I'm the Decider"

Houston Chronicle

Apr. 19--WASHINGTON -- Aiming to revitalize his administration, President Bush nominated a new budget director Tuesday and signaled more personnel changes are imminent.

The president also used the occasion to denounce critics of Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, including the retired generals calling for his ouster.

"I hear the voices, and I read the front page, and I know the speculation. But I'm the decider, and I decide what is best," Bush said, sounding frustrated.

/ / / / / / / / / / /


What are the voices telling him? Nothing about grammar, I’ll bet. I mean, what the fuck is a decider?

But, honestly now, I wonder how many different titles he thought up for himself before figuring that “the decider” was the best. I’ll bet at least several. Here’s a guess as to what some of them might have been:

5: Supreme Overlord of America

4: Captain Courageous

3: The Egg Man

2: The Walrus

1: The Decisioner

Seriously, I’ll bet he almost used the Decisioner. He probably spent several hours daydreaming about being a super hero called The Decisioner, with his own cape and red underwear and everything. The only problem was all super heroes have weaknesses. And, unfortunately for the Decisioner, his actual decisions are the kryptonite that destroys us all.


SparkyTheSpunkyDog adds:

He could also be called "The Watcher," or "The Voyeur," seeing as how he likes to snoop on American citizens without their knowledge and without permission from the courts.


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HEADLINES: DOGSPUNK STYLE!!

Unfortunately it’s been too long, so, once again, here’s how we roll with the Headline segment here on Dogspunk: We take a real headline and a give you a little of the real story. Then, we make fun of it in italics. Simple enough. Today’s edition it short and simple. And even kinda sorta up to date. Way to go, Dogspunkers!

Study fails to show healing power of prayer

By Michael Conlon

CHICAGO (Reuters) - A study of more than 1,800 patients who underwent heart bypass surgery has failed to show that prayers specially organized for their recovery had any impact, researchers said Thursday.

In fact, the study found some of the patients who knew they were being prayed for did worse than others who were only told they might be prayed for -- though those who did the study said they could not explain why.


What if you pray for bad stuff to happen? Would that work? I've been praying for some time for Tom Cruise and Katie Holme’s baby to be born a quivering bubble of melted flesh. But the fucker is as healthy as can be. Well, as healthy as a baby could be being Tom Cruise’s son and all. Oh well. I'll keep trying. I still believe Jesus is listening.


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