DogSpunk

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Thursday, March 23, 2006

STEVE MARTIN APOLOGIZES IN ADVANCE FOR HIS NEXT MOVIE, ATTEMPTS SUICIDE

Beloved actor and comedian, Steve Martin, sat surrounded by fans at a Los Ageles bar recently. In one hand was a half empty bottle of Jim Beam he had been drinking and, in the other, a revolver.

“My next movie is really gonna suck,” he said between hits on the bottle. Trust me, I know. I’m in it.”

Mr. Martin was expressing disappointment over his starring roles in a recent string of bad movies.

Added Steve Martin: “I mean, fuck, did anyone see Cheaper By the Dozen 2?”

When only one man toward the back of the crowd said he had, Mr. Martin looked right at him and said, “Oh, so you’re the one.”

The crowd, becoming increasingly uncomfortable, giggled nervously.

“I mean, really, who the fuck do I think I am? Eddie Murphy?,” he asked rhetorically. “I cultivated a successful comedy career, enjoyed fame on Saturday Night Live, and now I am making shitty movies. Yes, I must be Eddie Murphy.”

“Next month I’ll be picking up transvestites,” he deadpanned.

As he got up to leave, Mr. Martin pointed the revolver to his head and pulled the trigger. Only the click of the hammer hitting an empty chamber could be heard.

“Well, fuck it, then. I guess I’ll call up my agent and see if I can remake the Pink Panther. Oh, wait...I already did that. I really am hopeless.”

He then walked out of the bar and right into oncoming traffic. He is recovering at Cedars-Sinai.


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Tuesday, March 21, 2006

RANDOM THOUGHTS: Keyword Surprise - WTF Is Wrong With People ?

Something I never really put a lot of thought into when Kornbus and I decided on the name "DogSpunk" for this blog was what kind of people would mistakenly make their way to the site when searching with keywords.

I created a free account with StatCounter.com a few weeks ago so I could keep track of some stuff, like traffic, popular pages and keyword searches used to reach our site.

I thought it'd be cool to see what users on the web search for to reach us, but I didn't think I'd find anything as ridiculously perverted (yet funny) as I did in our results:

Apparently, people are finding our site because they are searching for websites that may involve dogs fucking women.

Not only did we get visitors using the utterly fantastic "fuck her boy, good dog" search by two people, but also "woman fuck dog" and my very favorite, "dog whores."

I was a bit amused by the fact that our potential visitor base consists of perverts that are looking for women that fuck dogs, or vice versa.

I wonder if they're disappointed when they discover that upon reaching our blog, they aren't going to find the "Dog Spunk" they were actually seeking.

Kornbus added:

"This is fucking awesome news. Sick and degrading, but fucking awesome just the same. 'Fuck her boy, good dog' just made life all the more worth living."

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Sunday, March 19, 2006

FUN PICTURE POST: Bitch Stole My Fish

Sorry about the lack of posts lately. Most of it has been because earlier this week, Blogger's automated anti-spam system mistakenly marked DogSpunk as a spam blog and blocked us from making any posts. I had to send an e-mail and prove that DogSpunk was not a spam blog and its content was indeed created by humans.

Because of the mistake, I'm contemplating moving DogSpunk to WordPress instead. It's not fun when I can't post because of a mistake on Blogger's part, especially since I don't have all the time in the world to be posting anyway.

Also, St. Patrick's came around and I celebrated Friday night drinking quite a bit. Needless to say, I was put out of commission for most of the weekend since I paid the price for the extra fun I had. I'm sure Kornbus was probably busy or equally as trashed during the weekend, but I can't be sure. All I know is that today I finally got up off my ass and decided it was time to post something funny once again.

So that being said, I've decided that whenever I stumble across a picture online that I think is funny and should be shared with everyone, I'm going to put it here on DogSpunk.

To kick it off, I'm going to share this fantastic picture of a kid looking hatefully at his playpal next to him during a fun day of fishing:



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Tuesday, March 14, 2006

NEWS OF THE FUTURE: Dogspunk, telling you what will happen, one story at a time.

Unite, my brothers and sisters, and fight the tyranny of the news media that only tells you what has happened but never what is going to happen. That is why your friends here at DogSpunk work tirelessly for at least 2 or 3 minutes per day to bring you the news before it actually takes place. After all, just because something hasn’t happened yet doesn’t mean it isn’t newsworthy.

In today’s edition, I plan on making fun of our president. Basically because it’s fun and he’s an easy target. Enjoy!

Ex-White House Aide Arrested in Refund Scam

Claude Allen, a former Bush aide, was arrested this week and charged with swindling $5000 from several department stores in a refund scam.

He would allegedly bring in receipts for items he never purchased and attempt to collect money. Items included a home theater system, clothes, and an assortment of other inexpensive objects.

Mr. Allen was at one time considered an “up and comer,” being among the highest ranking African-American Republicans in the country.

President Bush will be going on record at a press conference shortly to announce he has never met Allen in his life. When the floor is opened up for questions, a reporter will ask, “Mr. President, how can you say you have never met this man? He was a former aide of yours.” Bush will respond by asking him to prove it. The reporter will show him at least a dozen photographs of the President taken with his former adviser. Bush will say, “Hey, just because I had my picture taken with him doesn’t mean I know him. Heck, I get my picture taken all the time with colored people. Anyone who knows me knows that I don’t even like negroes. Kanye West could have told you that. Next question.”

Iraq Plunges Into Civil War

Thousands of Iraqis will be killed next month as the country regresses into all-out civil war. President Bush will be informed of the bloodshed, but will be too busy reading a children’s book to toddlers to make much sense out of it.

In a related story, he will struggle with the pronunciation of the words “pet” and “goat.”

President Bush Seeks Third Term

The President will announce in public that he will seek another term of the Presidency next year, only to be told the term limit for Presidents is limited to two.

Bush will respond, “Two? You mean I’ve been sitting on my ass all these years doing nothing and now I can’t even get reelected? What is going on here?”

Later, the President will realize that holding up three fingers and saying, “this many,” is hilarious.

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Saturday, March 11, 2006

SPUNK WIRE: Missing Boy Called Reincarnated Buddha Found at Hong Kong McDonald's

by Rigolando Rodriguez, DS International Correspondent

HONG KONG, China - A 16-year-old boy regarded by many as the reincarnation of Buddha and disappeared after 10 months of meditation in Nepalese jungles was found this afternoon at a McDonald's in Hong Kong.

Since May 17, 2005, Ram Bahadur Banjan had been meditating sitting cross-legged and motionless in a hole at the base of a tree. His followers claimed he had not eaten or drank water since he began.

After his disappearance, there was speculation as to whether he went further into the jungle or was kidnapped.

When approached, he gave no explanation as to how he travelled or reached China, but instead was unexplainedly speaking in an American inner city dialect.

"Damn, I was just so hungry after 10 months of not eating or drinking," Banjan explained as he ate a Big Mac sandwich and fries. "I couldn't wait any longer to get some grub, so I knew I had to get to the nearest Mcdonald's."

Witnesses described a ragged and tired Banjan meditating briefly on a bench with a life-size Ronald McDonald before walking into the busy restaurant determined to get food. They said he initially appeared to be calm and peaceful as he stood in line to order his meal, but quickly grew impatient as the line didn't move fast enough.

"He just started throwing his hands up and screaming loudly 'Yo, what's a n***a got to do to get some good service around here ?! Shit, I thought this was a fast food restaurant !'," said Yangzhao Zhu, who was in the restaurant at the time.

"He was very hungry," added Zhu. "He must have eaten three Big Macs, two double quarter pounders with cheese, at least four orders of fries, a chocolate triple thick shake, and five large Cokes."

Banjan was known to eat only leftovers for food and going hungry if there was nothing else. Also, before embarking on his journey and beginning meditation last year, he visited his family encouraging them not to kill animals.

He angrily replied when confronted about his sudden change of diet, saying "Bitch, you try not eating for as long as I have," as he stuffed a handful of fries in his mouth, "and see if you give a fuck about eating beef."

Banjan said he was not going to return to meditating and continue his path to enlightenment, and admitted he knew he wasn't the reincarnation of Buddha all along.

"I just started meditating cause I didn't want to go to school and my mom wouldn't shut the fuck up about getting a job," he said.

When asked about what he was going to do next, Banjan appeared unsure.

"N***a, I don't even know...maybe I'll get one of those cages in the market so I can take a nap, 'cause I'm tired as hell and I ain't about to go back to sleeping under no muthafuckin' tree," he said.

Shortly after he finished his food, Banjan asked other customers for change for a bus ride. When no one offered any, he threw his food tray across the restaurant and exited angrily.

"Man, fuck you bitches, I'm out," he said as he left.

Further reading:

Associated Press: Boy Some Call Reincarnated Buddha Missing

Wikipedia: Ram Bahadur Bomjon

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Thursday, March 09, 2006

HEADLINES: So you don't have to read them later

The Office on NBC is a rerun tonight, but I plan on watching it anyway...so here’s the deal really quick:

I’ll give you the headline and a bit of the story from the actual writer and then, in italics, tell you what to think. This way you won’t have to waste your time being told what to think later by the real news media.

And away we go...


Dubai Firm to Give Up Stake in U.S. Ports

By DAVID ESPO and ANDREW TAYLOR, Associated Press Writers

WASHINGTON - Bowing to ferocious opposition in Congress, a Dubai-owned company signaled surrender Thursday in its quest to take over operations at U.S. ports.

"DP World will transfer fully the U.S. operations ... to a United States entity," the firm's top executive, H. Edward Bilkey, said in an announcement that capped weeks of controversy.

The announcement appeared to indicate an end to a politically tinged controversy that brought President Bush and Republicans in Congress to the brink of an election-year veto battle on a terrorism-related issue....

Bush (had) defended the deal, calling the United Arab Emirates a strong ally in the war on terror and pledging to cast a veto if Congress voted to interfere.

It is nice to hear that it’s finally over, one way or another. But here’s what always bothered me about this whole thing: Bush was absolutely outraged that people would be against this deal. “There is no reason to fear,” he seemed to be saying. But, I’m sorry, wasn’t it Bush and this entire administration that has been stoking the flames of fear since September 11th 2001? And now, NOW, we don’t have to be afraid anymore because HE said so? Doesn’t make much sense when you look at it from that angle.


Graham Speechless After New Orleans Tour

By MICHELLE ROBERTS, Associated Press Writer

NEW ORLEANS - Evangelist Billy Graham, whose ministry has taken him to some of the world's least-developed countries, said Thursday that the scope of devastation he saw as he toured hurricane-ravaged New Orleans this week left him speechless.

"I cannot imagine what those people have been through," Graham said during an interview with The Associated Press, a day after he was shown some of the areas hardest hit by Hurricane Katrina. "This is a far greater disaster than the average American understands."

Hey, you old bastard, didn’t you get the memo? Everything is fine there. Damn, don’t you watch the news? They just had Mardi Gras there, duh!! Things are getting back to normal. Listen and obey your government sponsored news programs, you codger.


3 Students Charged in Ala. Church Fires

By JAY REEVES, Associated Press Write

BIRMINGHAM, Ala. - For weeks, church congregants in rural Alabama were on high alert, eager to find out who was burning down their churches. The answer, authorities now say, was three college students who took a prank too far.

Ah, a silly prank. Harmless shenanigans. Kids these days, right? Seriously, these kids need to be sent to Singapore for a good, old fashioned caning. This is nothing that a violent ass beating with a stick wouldn’t cure. And then, just for good measure, put them in a cell for a few nights with a really well hung inmate who hasn’t seen a woman in a while. Ya know, for kicks and all.


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Monday, March 06, 2006

NEWS OF THE FUTURE: Because why should we wait for something to happen before we report on it?

Ok, kids, you know how we here at DogSpunk roll with the News of the Future segment, right? Well, in case you are just tuning in...here’s how it works:

I sit down at my laptop in pajamas that haven’t been washed in about two weeks and begin to randomly make stuff up about news issues or celebrities. There’s only two rules: the stuff I write about hasn’t happened (or will never happen) and it’s more entertaining than reading the “real” news.

That being said, check out what we’ve got in store for you today!

Jesus of Nazareth Commits Suicide

Breaking news out of Heaven as DogSpunk has learned that Jesus of Nazareth, the Son of God, died yesterday afternoon of a self-inflicted crucifixion.

“Things are pretty hectic right now,” said Spokesman of Heaven, John the Baptist, “but it appears He was distraught over the news that Pam Anderson’s sitcom was coming back with new episodes in a few days. He simply wasn’t a fan.”

According to several sources, Jesus had come out of his room earlier in the day and asked if anyone had heard the news.

“He was just like, 'What the fuck? How come no one told me that unholy bitch’s show was coming back? You know how I hate it,’ recalled the Disciple Paul. “He was just really upset at us. He actually called me a motherfucker now that I think about it.”

After the outburst, Jesus apparently excused himself and went back to bed, saying that he did not want to be disturbed. He was found crucified later that night when other disciples became concerned about Him.

“We didn’t even realize what was happening in there,” said James, the brother of Jesus. “None of us heard Him pounding the nails into Himself or anything. But, He was magic so, ya know.”

Apparently, Jesus had a history of depression. When reached for comment, Joseph of Arimathea said, “This isn’t the first time this has happened, actually. Jesus took his sitcom watching very seriously. You should have seen what happened when he learned that Cheers was being canceled. He turned wine into shit. Can you believe that? Wine into shit. It was amazing. He truly was the Son of God.”

“But do not worry," he added. “He will be Resurrected in three days. He never misses an episode of My Name is Earl.”

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Fun With Celebrity Pictures: Reese Witherspoon Wins An Oscar



THAT'S RIGHT, BITCHES !!!


(Image Source: Getty Images / BBC.co.uk)

Staying in the ghetto spirit of the 78th Academy Awards, Reese Witherspoon made sure to keep it real with her "raise the roof" celebration after being awarded the Oscar for Best Actress for her performance as June Carter in the Johnny Cash biopic, "Walk The Line."


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Sunday, March 05, 2006

Three Six Mafia Proves Pimpin' Ain't Easy At The Oscars

Yes, ladies and gentlemen.

If there was a moment while you were watching the Academy Awards ceremony and suddenly just asked yourself "What the fuck ?", then you indeed witnessed Three Six Mafia singing their nominated song "It's Hard Out Here For A Pimp." The song is from the Film "Hustle and Flow," about DJay, a pimp and drug dealer with dreams of making it big as a hip hop artist.

Those watching the Oscars, usually a high-brow ceremony known for its conservative nature and over-the-top celebration of movie stars, were treated to an earful of rap artists singing about the hardship, trials and tribulations that pimps must face in life.

I can just imagine how most people in the audience felt at that time. Anyone who wasn't familiar with or particularly fond of rap music must have instantly shat themselves once the song began.

Just the chorus alone must have caused some panties to get bunched:

You know it's hard out here for a pimp (you ain't knowin)
When he tryin to get this money for the rent (you ain't knowin)
For the Cadillacs and gas money spent (you ain't knowin)
Because a whole lot of bitches talkin shit (you ain't knowin)
Will have a whole lot of bitches talkin shit (you ain't knowin)


Later Jon Stewart pointed out that Martin Scorsese, one of my favorite fillmmakers of all time, hasn't won any fucking Oscars (can you tell I'm bitter ?), but Three Six Mafia won one tonight. What the fuck ?

Anyway, I don't know what seemed more out of place at that moment during the Oscars: the song itself, or the extremely white guy that was dancing around members of Three Six Mafia during the performance.

I can't wait to see what kind of fallout there might be from conservatives and the Christian right. I can't imagine that there won't be at least a small group of people bitching and writing hatemail to the academy about its decision to showcase "It's Hard Out Here For A Pimp" during the Oscars.

Still, that might be a good thing though. I would really like for this to become an opportunity for people like Jerry Falwell to make fools of themselves again. Following up his infamous remarks blaming pagans, abortionists, feminists, gays and the lesbians for the 9/11 attacks, and his recent request for Venezuelan leader Hugo Chavez to be taken out, perhaps he will complain about how the academy is responsible for the corruption of America's youth and the desecration of wholesome family values by allowing Three Six Mafia to sing during the ceremony.

Hopefully we'll be reading about backlash in the news in the next few days. I would love it, because it'll just give me more stuff to write about.

Also, I hope someone bitches about it around me, so I can just say,

"So what you gonna do about it ?!?"

"..."

"Oh, that's right ! Cause they is nothin' you can do about it, bitch !"

Lyrics: It's Hard Out Here For A Pimp

YouTube: Video Link of Live Oscars Performance



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Saturday, March 04, 2006

HEADLINES: SO YOU DON’T NEED TO READ THEM LATER

Ok, here’s the deal...you consider yourself a reasonably educated, sophisticated human being. You WANT to be up to date on the news and “what’s happening out there.” But, the fact is, the news is just boring!! And who can be bothered with something that isn’t entertaining, right? You’ve got more important things to do: like scratch yourself and play Playstation 2.

That’s where I come in.

I’m gonna give you a few of the headlines and a bit of each story, courtesy of Yahoo News, then tell you what to think about them in italics. Ya know, almost like the REAL media. This way you don’t have to be bothered later while you’re scratching yourself and playing that Playstation 2. Deal? Deal. Let’s go....


Former Congressman Gets Eight-Plus Years

By SETH HETTENA, Associated Press Writer

SAN DIEGO - Former Rep. Randy "Duke" Cunningham, who collected $2.4 million in homes, yachts, antique furnishings and other bribes on a scale unparalleled in the history of Congress, was sentenced Friday to eight years and four months in prison, the longest term meted out to a congressman in decades.

Wow, that is one corrupt bastard. He deserves to be punished. But seriously, when are the rest of the crooks going to get theirs? I’m still waiting on anyone of importance from Enron to get some jail time. And what is going on with the whole Scooter Libby/Dick Cheney/CIA Leak case? The liberal media is really falling behind in their coverage here.


Bush Visits Pakistan Amid Protests

By TERENCE HUNT, AP White House Correspondent

ISLAMABAD, Pakistan - Traveling under heavy security, President Bush showed solidarity with Pakistan in the global war on terror Friday as anti-American protests flared across this Islamic nation. The visit probably put Bush closer than he's ever been to Osama bin Laden.

Wait a minute here. Pakistan is against terrorism? Since when? I could have sworn Pakistan’s Military dictator General Musharraf had been providing military and diplomatic aid to the terrorist haven Afghanistan not too long ago. These are our friends now? Well, with friends like that, who the hell wants friends? Hey, I’m just asking questions here.


Stars to Arrive at Oscars in Green Cars

AP
DETROIT - Oscar nominees Joaquin Phoenix, Jake Gyllenhaal and Frances McDormand are among those expected to step out of green vehicles and onto the red carpet at the Academy Awards ceremony Sunday.

In all, 25 VIPs are participating in the fourth annual "Red Carpet, Green Cars" event sponsored by Toyota Motor Corp. and the environmental organization Global Green USA. McDormand, Phoenix, Gyllenhaal, Jennifer Aniston and George Clooney are all expected to arrive at the Oscars in Toyota or Lexus hybrids, including the Toyota Prius, Lexus RX crossover and a hybrid version of the Toyota Camry, which goes on sale in May.

Seriously, who gives a damn? Is this news? Ok, look, on one hand...I like green. I think green is a lovely color. But I could really care less about what Danny Ocean is coming to the Oscars in. Does it matter? I understand that being dropped off by hybrids is a statement on our dependance on foreign oil but, upon closer inspection, is this more social commentary or an ad for Toyota and Lexus? I mean, if they just want to make a statement and not come across as whores for the car companies, the stars should carpool to the ceremony in their own vehicles or something. Just an idea...

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Fun With Celebrity Pictures: Erykah Badu and Dave Chappelle

Dave Chappelle has denied that he's been hitting the crack, but I'm not sure Erykah Badu can say the same.

This picture was taken at the premiere of Chappelle's new movie "Block Party" on Tuesday, Feb. 28 in New York:


(Image Source: AP Photo/Stephen Chernin)



Either Badu was bitch-slapped before the picture was taken, or she just simply came ripped to the premiere.

Original link at Yahoo! News

Technorati Tags: Celebrity Pictures, Dave Chappelle, Dave Chapelle, Dave Chapel, Dave Chapell, Dave Chappell, Erykah Badu, Erica Badu, Eryka Badu, Crack, Block Party

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Ain't That a Bitch ? Famous Footballer Attending Family Funeral Service Collapses and Dies

How often is it that someone goes to a funeral to pay their respects to a deceased friend or loved one...only to die themselves ?

The irony is almost too much to bear, and the scenario is almost too funny to believe that it happened.

And yet it did.

Former Chelsea stalwart and England international Peter Osgood died at the age of 59 while attending a family funeral service on Wednesday.

Known as the 'King of Stamford Bridge,' Osgood made 380 appearances for the Blues, scoring 150 goals and helping them win the 1970 FA Cup and 1971 Cup Winners' Cup. He also was part of England's 1970 World Cup side and made four appearances during the tournament.

A fantastic footballer, Osgood was a prolific scorer and enjoyed an illustrious career. He earned legendary status at Chelsea, accomplishing such feats as scoring twice in his professional debut in 1964, finding the back of the net in every round of the 1970 FA Cup, and forming part of the Blues side that defeated Spanish powerhouse Real Madrid to win the 1971 European Cup Winners' Cup.

Osgood also enjoyed spells with Southampton and Philadelphia Fury in the United States before returning to Chelsea, where he ended his career. He remained close to the game in retirement, working in football-related media, becoming a popular after-dinner speaker and involving himself in Chelsea club events.

Sadly, I never knew anything of Peter Osgood before today. In reading about him, I've learned that apart from being a legendary footballer, he was an amazing person on and off the field.

Nevertheless, I'm still always going to remember him as the guy that died while attending a funeral.

Now, you may be saying, "That's not funny ! That's bullshit ! If there is a God, how could he let something so cruel take place !?!"

I used to ask myself the same thing. That was, until I watched Grey Dawn, one of my favorite South Park episodes, which came out around the time that an old man plowed through about nine people in a crowded market in California a few years back.

It was the moment that the South Park priest gave this explanation of such unexpected and crazy events that I learned to appreciate the comedy that results from them:

"...we must understand, God's sense of humor is very different from our own. He does not laugh at the simple "man walks into a bar" joke. No, God needs complex irony and subtle farcical twists that seem macabre to you and me. All that we can hope for is that God got his good laugh and a tragedy such as this will never happen again."

Further reading and references:

Peter Osgood: Official Site

BBC: Football Mourns the Death of Osgood

Telegraph: Peter Osgood

Technorati Tags: , Peter Osgood, Chelsea, Chelsea FC, Funeral, Stamford, Stamford Bridge, King of Stamford Bridge, South Park, God

Daily Show Video Excerpts: "Enemies With Benefits"

It's clips like these that remind me of why I love the Daily Show so much.

In this headlines clip aired in February, Jon Stewart delivers with his hilarious commentary on the fact that the U.S. Military Academy discovered that Al-Qaeda offers an employment contract to its members, which includes some very appealing benefits.

Not only do married males receive a cash stipend as compensation, but they also get a whole week of vacation for every three weeks worked.

Sounds great, doesn't it ?

It does to me. Hell, I don't even get such great benefits at my job. I accrue a single measly vacation day every MONTH.

I have to admit, the Al-Qaeda benefits package sure sound awesome...if you can go three weeks without becoming a suicide bomber. As Jon Stewart points out - the retirement plan isn't so great.

As we all know though, in the Middle East there is no shortage of people willing to blow themselves up.

Stewart reports that in Iran, a Tehran University hosted a seminar for prospective suicide bombers carried out by a group called "The Martyrdom Seekers," also known as "Esteshadion."

Either suicide bombing is a very rewarding career choice, or Esteshadion speakers have excellent persuasive communication skills. According to a Feb. 19 Associated Press report, about 50 students filled out membership applications after speeches by main speaker Mohammad Ali Samadi.

If only the U.S. Military could be so successful at recruiting.

Instead, Stewart goes on to report, the military recently eased its recruitment policies in an effort to increase the number of signups.

Among the changes are more sleep and personal time for recruits, and overweight soldiers will no longer have to skip out on eating dessert at mealtime. Also, the military has instructed drill sargents to tone down the way they handle soldiers in boot camp, "to get rid of the anxiety and worry," as one Colonel said.

My grandfather was a marine during the early '60s and later worked over 30 years as a diplomat for the U.S. Embassy. He takes his service to his country very seriously and hasn't forgotten how much he busted his ass to become a marine and earn respect in his career.

Years ago I remember him complaining that the recruitment policies and nature of boot camps of the U.S. Armed Forces had softened so much that he liked to think that Uncle Sam was out of the picture and "Aunt Sam" was now running the show.

I got a kick out of that back then, and I wonder what he'll have to say once he finds out about the newest changes in recruitment policy ?

Watch the video clip at Comedy Central

Technorati Tags: , Jon Stewart, Daily Show, The Daily Show, Comedy Central, Al Qaeda, Al Qaida, Al Qaeda Benefits, Al Qaeda Employee, Al Qaeda Employee Contract, Military, Military Recruitment, Uncle Sam, Aunt Sam, Martyrdom, Martyrdom Seekers, Esteshadion, Ali Shamadi, Suicide Bomber, Suicide Bombers