HEADLINES: SO YOU DON’T NEED TO READ THEM LATER

Ok, here’s the deal...you consider yourself a reasonably educated, sophisticated human being. You WANT to be up to date on the news and “what’s happening out there.” But, the fact is, the news is just boring!! And who can be bothered with something that isn’t entertaining, right? You’ve got more important things to do: like scratch yourself and play Playstation 2.

That’s where I come in.

I’m gonna give you a few of the headlines and a bit of each story, courtesy of Yahoo News, then tell you what to think about them in italics. Ya know, almost like the REAL media. This way you don’t have to be bothered later while you’re scratching yourself and playing that Playstation 2. Deal? Deal. Let’s go....


Former Congressman Gets Eight-Plus Years

By SETH HETTENA, Associated Press Writer

SAN DIEGO - Former Rep. Randy "Duke" Cunningham, who collected $2.4 million in homes, yachts, antique furnishings and other bribes on a scale unparalleled in the history of Congress, was sentenced Friday to eight years and four months in prison, the longest term meted out to a congressman in decades.

Wow, that is one corrupt bastard. He deserves to be punished. But seriously, when are the rest of the crooks going to get theirs? I’m still waiting on anyone of importance from Enron to get some jail time. And what is going on with the whole Scooter Libby/Dick Cheney/CIA Leak case? The liberal media is really falling behind in their coverage here.


Bush Visits Pakistan Amid Protests

By TERENCE HUNT, AP White House Correspondent

ISLAMABAD, Pakistan - Traveling under heavy security, President Bush showed solidarity with Pakistan in the global war on terror Friday as anti-American protests flared across this Islamic nation. The visit probably put Bush closer than he's ever been to Osama bin Laden.

Wait a minute here. Pakistan is against terrorism? Since when? I could have sworn Pakistan’s Military dictator General Musharraf had been providing military and diplomatic aid to the terrorist haven Afghanistan not too long ago. These are our friends now? Well, with friends like that, who the hell wants friends? Hey, I’m just asking questions here.


Stars to Arrive at Oscars in Green Cars

AP
DETROIT - Oscar nominees Joaquin Phoenix, Jake Gyllenhaal and Frances McDormand are among those expected to step out of green vehicles and onto the red carpet at the Academy Awards ceremony Sunday.

In all, 25 VIPs are participating in the fourth annual "Red Carpet, Green Cars" event sponsored by Toyota Motor Corp. and the environmental organization Global Green USA. McDormand, Phoenix, Gyllenhaal, Jennifer Aniston and George Clooney are all expected to arrive at the Oscars in Toyota or Lexus hybrids, including the Toyota Prius, Lexus RX crossover and a hybrid version of the Toyota Camry, which goes on sale in May.

Seriously, who gives a damn? Is this news? Ok, look, on one hand...I like green. I think green is a lovely color. But I could really care less about what Danny Ocean is coming to the Oscars in. Does it matter? I understand that being dropped off by hybrids is a statement on our dependance on foreign oil but, upon closer inspection, is this more social commentary or an ad for Toyota and Lexus? I mean, if they just want to make a statement and not come across as whores for the car companies, the stars should carpool to the ceremony in their own vehicles or something. Just an idea...