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Saturday, April 15, 2006


There are many things in this world that are stranger than fiction. Many things that will make even grown men shudder with fear. Urban legends are one of these things.

We have probably all heard an urban legend or two. Maybe there are even a few that are unique to the community in which you live. For instance, in Chicago, there is the legend of Resurrection Mary. Many travelers along the road in front of Resurrection Cemetery have reported seeing the disembodied spirit of a woman, dead for many years, who still walks through the area late at night. Or, there is the legend of the Mothman, whose very sighting some believe foretells tragic events that happen in West Virginia.

Now the legend I am going to tell you of today is something you may not have heard about. But, believe me, you need to hear it. Ignoring it could mean losing no less than your very life. Today’s urban legend is...

The Cheney Shotgun Demon

Picture it: You are standing in a darkened bathroom staring into the mirror. With sweaty palms and a pounding heart you begin to say his name five times.

“Dick Cheney....Dick Cheney....”

Your mind begins to race. The thoughts zip through your mind like a locomotive. What am I doing? I shouldn’t be here. What if it’s real?

“Dick Cheney....Dick Cheney....”

Places all over your body begin to itch and you can feel the blood rushing into your face making it hot with fear. Saying his name just once more could very well be the last thing you ever do. Yet you do it.

“Dick Cheney.”

And then nothing. Silence. But only for a moment. Before you have even released the breath you’ve been holding in your lungs, he appears. The one you have summoned. Vice President Dick Cheney.

He comes engulfed in a ball of fire that scorches your skin and the walls all around you. There is nothing but evil in his eyes and his mouth is contorted into a demonic grin. Just as you begin to scream you see his quail hunting rifle pointed right at your head. It is almost in slow motion. You hear the blast and see the buckshot heading your way. Then everything goes dark.

What I’ve just described is a scenario that seems to have come right out of a filmmaker’s imagination and yet it hasn’t. Make no mistake, my friends. The Cheney Shotgun Demon is very real. Reports across the country have estimated that as many as eleven people have died immediately after testing this urban legend. Teenagers, in particular. But one case of an elderly lawyer has also recently come to light.

My point is this: Believe and be afraid. Do not discount what I have told you. If you are having a sleep over with friends or having a conversation at work and the Cheney Shotgun Demon comes up, leave the room. Just get out of there. Don’t tempt fate. Do not allow yourself to be backed into a corner feeling you have to prove your bravery by saying his name into a mirror. Let them call you names. Let them tease you. At least, when all is said and done, you’ll still be alive.

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