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Monday, March 06, 2006

NEWS OF THE FUTURE: Because why should we wait for something to happen before we report on it?

Ok, kids, you know how we here at DogSpunk roll with the News of the Future segment, right? Well, in case you are just tuning’s how it works:

I sit down at my laptop in pajamas that haven’t been washed in about two weeks and begin to randomly make stuff up about news issues or celebrities. There’s only two rules: the stuff I write about hasn’t happened (or will never happen) and it’s more entertaining than reading the “real” news.

That being said, check out what we’ve got in store for you today!

Jesus of Nazareth Commits Suicide

Breaking news out of Heaven as DogSpunk has learned that Jesus of Nazareth, the Son of God, died yesterday afternoon of a self-inflicted crucifixion.

“Things are pretty hectic right now,” said Spokesman of Heaven, John the Baptist, “but it appears He was distraught over the news that Pam Anderson’s sitcom was coming back with new episodes in a few days. He simply wasn’t a fan.”

According to several sources, Jesus had come out of his room earlier in the day and asked if anyone had heard the news.

“He was just like, 'What the fuck? How come no one told me that unholy bitch’s show was coming back? You know how I hate it,’ recalled the Disciple Paul. “He was just really upset at us. He actually called me a motherfucker now that I think about it.”

After the outburst, Jesus apparently excused himself and went back to bed, saying that he did not want to be disturbed. He was found crucified later that night when other disciples became concerned about Him.

“We didn’t even realize what was happening in there,” said James, the brother of Jesus. “None of us heard Him pounding the nails into Himself or anything. But, He was magic so, ya know.”

Apparently, Jesus had a history of depression. When reached for comment, Joseph of Arimathea said, “This isn’t the first time this has happened, actually. Jesus took his sitcom watching very seriously. You should have seen what happened when he learned that Cheers was being canceled. He turned wine into shit. Can you believe that? Wine into shit. It was amazing. He truly was the Son of God.”

“But do not worry," he added. “He will be Resurrected in three days. He never misses an episode of My Name is Earl.”

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