NEWS OF THE FUTURE: GOP STYLE
Today’s edition of News of the Future comes after a wave of inspiration due, mainly in part, to our President being a moron. I’m sure many of you can relate.
Now here’s how it works: We read the news and make educated guesses, usually funny, about what will happen based on the information we have. Sound good to you? Yeah? Well, then let’s get it started!
WITH APPROVAL RATING NEAR 2 PERCENT; BUSH ANNOUNCES THAT POLLING IS AN ACT OF TERROR
George W. Bush, whose approval rating will soon fall to 2 percent, has issued a Presidential Proclamation that taking polls is now akin to a terrorist act.
“Taking polls undermines my Presidency and, more importantly, hurts America in the war on terror,” Bush said. “For this reason, I have outlawed the people at the Gallup Organization, Louis Harris and Associates and Zogby’s from conducting research and reporting their findings ever again. Terrorism must be fought on all fronts and at all costs.”
When approached, no pollster offered comment due to fear of a preemptive missile strike on their homes or businesses.
Bush, however, was more than happy to keep babbling. Said the President, “There is a new weapon being used by Osama bin Laden and the evildoers in Al-Qaeda and that weapon is the poll. We must fight the pollsters here so we don’t have to fight them there. Or something like that.”
Fox News will not be effected.
REPUBLICAN PRESS RELEASE CALLS FOR NEW BULLSHIT ISSUES COME ELECTION TIME
Republicans, seemingly fresh out of ideas, have issued a press release asking all conservatives for help coming up with new bullshit ideas to help swing votes their way come election time.
“We have succeeded in terrorizing swing voters with Gay Marriage and the omnipresent threat of terrorism. And remember the time we got people to doubt John Kerry’s bravery during the Vietnam War? That was awesome,” said the press release. “But now we’ve run out of ideas. We desperately need to think of more bullshit and fast.”
It went on to state: “It’s almost election time and Americans are starting to remember how horrible of a party we are. So, yeah, help us think of stuff.”
When asked for comment, Dick Cheney said “At first, we were thinking of linking high gas prices to John Edwards somehow, but we couldn’t really come up with anything that sounded good. And we eventually realized the high gas prices were our fault anyway. So, ya know. No luck there.”
He added: “Seriously, if we don’t come up with a new way to make Democrats appear weak on terror or turn Hillary Clinton into a lesbian dominatrix, we’re probably gonna end up having to wait for Howard Dean to scream again. Heck, it's worked before.”
BUSH ASKS POPE TO DECLARE HIS LIFE A MIRACLE
President George W. Bush is so amazed at the fact that he hasn’t been assassinated yet that he has asked Pope Benedict XVI to consider his life a miracle.
“I was just telling my dad the other day, “Dad, can you believe after all the shit I’ve pulled that I ain’t been killed yet?”
Added Bush: “I mean, what’s a bumbling ol’ hillbilly President gotta do to get shot at nowadays?”
The President apparently got the idea after being told last week by an advisor that former presidents had been killed in office before.
“Yeah, I never been much good at history and whatnot. Books on learnin’ ain’t really my thing. But, c’mon now. Kennedy? Lincoln? Heck, I screwed up way worse then them and I ain’t dead. So I figured I’d give this miracle business a try.”
The Vatican issued no comment.
Read more here:
Bush Approval Rating
Republican Tactics
Pope Benedict
Miracles
Presidential Assassinations
Technorati Tags: DogSpunk, President Bush, Low Approval Ratings, Bush Approval Rating, Zogby, Gallup, Harris Poll, Dick Cheney, Dean Scream, Miracle, Pope Benedict, JFK, Abraham Lincoln, assassination
Now here’s how it works: We read the news and make educated guesses, usually funny, about what will happen based on the information we have. Sound good to you? Yeah? Well, then let’s get it started!
WITH APPROVAL RATING NEAR 2 PERCENT; BUSH ANNOUNCES THAT POLLING IS AN ACT OF TERROR
George W. Bush, whose approval rating will soon fall to 2 percent, has issued a Presidential Proclamation that taking polls is now akin to a terrorist act.
“Taking polls undermines my Presidency and, more importantly, hurts America in the war on terror,” Bush said. “For this reason, I have outlawed the people at the Gallup Organization, Louis Harris and Associates and Zogby’s from conducting research and reporting their findings ever again. Terrorism must be fought on all fronts and at all costs.”
When approached, no pollster offered comment due to fear of a preemptive missile strike on their homes or businesses.
Bush, however, was more than happy to keep babbling. Said the President, “There is a new weapon being used by Osama bin Laden and the evildoers in Al-Qaeda and that weapon is the poll. We must fight the pollsters here so we don’t have to fight them there. Or something like that.”
Fox News will not be effected.
REPUBLICAN PRESS RELEASE CALLS FOR NEW BULLSHIT ISSUES COME ELECTION TIME
Republicans, seemingly fresh out of ideas, have issued a press release asking all conservatives for help coming up with new bullshit ideas to help swing votes their way come election time.
“We have succeeded in terrorizing swing voters with Gay Marriage and the omnipresent threat of terrorism. And remember the time we got people to doubt John Kerry’s bravery during the Vietnam War? That was awesome,” said the press release. “But now we’ve run out of ideas. We desperately need to think of more bullshit and fast.”
It went on to state: “It’s almost election time and Americans are starting to remember how horrible of a party we are. So, yeah, help us think of stuff.”
When asked for comment, Dick Cheney said “At first, we were thinking of linking high gas prices to John Edwards somehow, but we couldn’t really come up with anything that sounded good. And we eventually realized the high gas prices were our fault anyway. So, ya know. No luck there.”
He added: “Seriously, if we don’t come up with a new way to make Democrats appear weak on terror or turn Hillary Clinton into a lesbian dominatrix, we’re probably gonna end up having to wait for Howard Dean to scream again. Heck, it's worked before.”
BUSH ASKS POPE TO DECLARE HIS LIFE A MIRACLE
President George W. Bush is so amazed at the fact that he hasn’t been assassinated yet that he has asked Pope Benedict XVI to consider his life a miracle.
“I was just telling my dad the other day, “Dad, can you believe after all the shit I’ve pulled that I ain’t been killed yet?”
Added Bush: “I mean, what’s a bumbling ol’ hillbilly President gotta do to get shot at nowadays?”
The President apparently got the idea after being told last week by an advisor that former presidents had been killed in office before.
“Yeah, I never been much good at history and whatnot. Books on learnin’ ain’t really my thing. But, c’mon now. Kennedy? Lincoln? Heck, I screwed up way worse then them and I ain’t dead. So I figured I’d give this miracle business a try.”
The Vatican issued no comment.
Read more here:
Bush Approval Rating
Republican Tactics
Pope Benedict
Miracles
Presidential Assassinations
Technorati Tags: DogSpunk, President Bush, Low Approval Ratings, Bush Approval Rating, Zogby, Gallup, Harris Poll, Dick Cheney, Dean Scream, Miracle, Pope Benedict, JFK, Abraham Lincoln, assassination
posted by Jason KB @ 4:19 AM
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