HEADLINES: All up in ya grill wit da news

This was a funny little story I saw on Yahoo News, courtesy of the AP, about current President George Bush visiting former President Gerald Ford at his home in Rancho Mirage, California.


Bush Visits Ailing Former President Ford

Sun Apr 23, 9:49 PM ET

RANCHO MIRAGE, Calif. -
President Bush paid a visit Sunday to the ailing former President Ford at his home in this resort town where Bush was spending the weekend.

The nearly hourlong visit, conducted out of public view and kept under wraps until the last minute, could be the last time Bush would see the oldest living former commander in chief. Ford, 92, was hospitalized with pneumonia for 12 days in January and has not been seen much in public of late.


/ / / / / / / / / / / /


We here at DogSpunk have uncovered a conversation that took place between Bush, an advisor along for the trip, and the former commander in chief. We produce it here, unedited, for your amusement:


BUSH: (to advisor) Gerald Ford is the guy who invented the automobile, right?

ADVISOR: No, sir. That is Henry Ford you are thinking of. And he didn’t
invent the automobile, he applied the use of the assembly line
to manufacture them.

BUSH: Well, what did this Ford invent?

ADVISOR: Nothing, sir. Mr. Ford is the former President of the United States.

BUSH: Oh, President? Like me! Yay!

(Gerald Ford approaches with his wife, Betty)

BUSH: Hey Jerry, nice to see you. Betty, you look wonderful.

(President Bush begins audibly sniffing the air)

BUSH: What’s that smell?

FORD: I just crapped myself.

BUSH: That’s okay. I do that all the time. Now let’s go inside and talk about those assemberly line thingies you invented.


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GEORGE BUSH: BEHIND THE SPEECH

Recently our old pal G-Dubbya admitted to hearing voices and announced rather firmly that he has apparently been annointed as a super-being known only as “The Decider.” Here, read for yourself...


Bush: "I'm the Decider"

Houston Chronicle

Apr. 19--WASHINGTON -- Aiming to revitalize his administration, President Bush nominated a new budget director Tuesday and signaled more personnel changes are imminent.

The president also used the occasion to denounce critics of Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, including the retired generals calling for his ouster.

"I hear the voices, and I read the front page, and I know the speculation. But I'm the decider, and I decide what is best," Bush said, sounding frustrated.

/ / / / / / / / / / /


What are the voices telling him? Nothing about grammar, I’ll bet. I mean, what the fuck is a decider?

But, honestly now, I wonder how many different titles he thought up for himself before figuring that “the decider” was the best. I’ll bet at least several. Here’s a guess as to what some of them might have been:

5: Supreme Overlord of America

4: Captain Courageous

3: The Egg Man

2: The Walrus

1: The Decisioner

Seriously, I’ll bet he almost used the Decisioner. He probably spent several hours daydreaming about being a super hero called The Decisioner, with his own cape and red underwear and everything. The only problem was all super heroes have weaknesses. And, unfortunately for the Decisioner, his actual decisions are the kryptonite that destroys us all.


SparkyTheSpunkyDog adds:

He could also be called "The Watcher," or "The Voyeur," seeing as how he likes to snoop on American citizens without their knowledge and without permission from the courts.


Technorati Tags: DogSpunk, George Bush, Dubya, Decider, Rumsfeld, Rummy, Kryptonite

HEADLINES: DOGSPUNK STYLE!!

Unfortunately it’s been too long, so, once again, here’s how we roll with the Headline segment here on Dogspunk: We take a real headline and a give you a little of the real story. Then, we make fun of it in italics. Simple enough. Today’s edition it short and simple. And even kinda sorta up to date. Way to go, Dogspunkers!

Study fails to show healing power of prayer

By Michael Conlon

CHICAGO (Reuters) - A study of more than 1,800 patients who underwent heart bypass surgery has failed to show that prayers specially organized for their recovery had any impact, researchers said Thursday.

In fact, the study found some of the patients who knew they were being prayed for did worse than others who were only told they might be prayed for -- though those who did the study said they could not explain why.


What if you pray for bad stuff to happen? Would that work? I've been praying for some time for Tom Cruise and Katie Holme’s baby to be born a quivering bubble of melted flesh. But the fucker is as healthy as can be. Well, as healthy as a baby could be being Tom Cruise’s son and all. Oh well. I'll keep trying. I still believe Jesus is listening.


Technorati Tags: DogSpunk, Prayer, Power Of Prayer

DOGSPUNK: URBAN LEGENDS

There are many things in this world that are stranger than fiction. Many things that will make even grown men shudder with fear. Urban legends are one of these things.

We have probably all heard an urban legend or two. Maybe there are even a few that are unique to the community in which you live. For instance, in Chicago, there is the legend of Resurrection Mary. Many travelers along the road in front of Resurrection Cemetery have reported seeing the disembodied spirit of a woman, dead for many years, who still walks through the area late at night. Or, there is the legend of the Mothman, whose very sighting some believe foretells tragic events that happen in West Virginia.

Now the legend I am going to tell you of today is something you may not have heard about. But, believe me, you need to hear it. Ignoring it could mean losing no less than your very life. Today’s urban legend is...


The Cheney Shotgun Demon

Picture it: You are standing in a darkened bathroom staring into the mirror. With sweaty palms and a pounding heart you begin to say his name five times.

“Dick Cheney....Dick Cheney....”

Your mind begins to race. The thoughts zip through your mind like a locomotive. What am I doing? I shouldn’t be here. What if it’s real?

“Dick Cheney....Dick Cheney....”

Places all over your body begin to itch and you can feel the blood rushing into your face making it hot with fear. Saying his name just once more could very well be the last thing you ever do. Yet you do it.

“Dick Cheney.”

And then nothing. Silence. But only for a moment. Before you have even released the breath you’ve been holding in your lungs, he appears. The one you have summoned. Vice President Dick Cheney.

He comes engulfed in a ball of fire that scorches your skin and the walls all around you. There is nothing but evil in his eyes and his mouth is contorted into a demonic grin. Just as you begin to scream you see his quail hunting rifle pointed right at your head. It is almost in slow motion. You hear the blast and see the buckshot heading your way. Then everything goes dark.

What I’ve just described is a scenario that seems to have come right out of a filmmaker’s imagination and yet it hasn’t. Make no mistake, my friends. The Cheney Shotgun Demon is very real. Reports across the country have estimated that as many as eleven people have died immediately after testing this urban legend. Teenagers, in particular. But one case of an elderly lawyer has also recently come to light.

My point is this: Believe and be afraid. Do not discount what I have told you. If you are having a sleep over with friends or having a conversation at work and the Cheney Shotgun Demon comes up, leave the room. Just get out of there. Don’t tempt fate. Do not allow yourself to be backed into a corner feeling you have to prove your bravery by saying his name into a mirror. Let them call you names. Let them tease you. At least, when all is said and done, you’ll still be alive.


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