BIN LADEN RELEASES TAPE, HOLLAS AT HIS BITCHES

Osama bin Laden, leader of Al-Qaeda, has released a new tape in which he admits that the recently convicted Zacarias Moussaoui had nothing to do with the terrorist attacks on September 11th.

"I am the one in charge of the 19 brothers and I never assigned brother Zacarias to be with them in that mission," he said, thus fueling belief that Moussaoui was more interested in martyrdom than being a suicide bomber.

Before bin Laden issued that statement, however, he shocked American translators by the many other things he had to say. For instance, he appeared to lead off the recording by specifically acknowledging certain groups of his admirers. Said bin Laden: “I first want to give a shout out to all my bitches and hoes in Afghanistan. You know I got much love for all ya’all.”

He added: “I want you to know I’m doing well and have appreciated the care packages you have sent me. The newest Kanye West CD, in particular, was phat.”

Bin Laden, always one to stay in contact with his followers, closed the recording by offering a new way to track his activity: the World Wide Web.

“For those that have internet access, I would like to formally announce the opening of my first Myspace site,” he said. “Be sure to leave me comments on all the cool pics I have uploaded. Kudos on my blog entries would be totally sweet as well.”

Messages left for Tom have gone unreturned.


Read More Here:

Osama bin Laden

Myspace

Kanye West

September 11th



Technorati Tags: DogSpunk, Osama, Osama bin Laden, Al-Qaeda, 9/11, September 11th, Terrorism, Moussaoui, MySpace, MySpace.Com, Kanye West

NEWS OF THE FUTURE: GOP STYLE

Today’s edition of News of the Future comes after a wave of inspiration due, mainly in part, to our President being a moron. I’m sure many of you can relate.

Now here’s how it works: We read the news and make educated guesses, usually funny, about what will happen based on the information we have. Sound good to you? Yeah? Well, then let’s get it started!


WITH APPROVAL RATING NEAR 2 PERCENT; BUSH ANNOUNCES THAT POLLING IS AN ACT OF TERROR

George W. Bush, whose approval rating will soon fall to 2 percent, has issued a Presidential Proclamation that taking polls is now akin to a terrorist act.

“Taking polls undermines my Presidency and, more importantly, hurts America in the war on terror,” Bush said. “For this reason, I have outlawed the people at the Gallup Organization, Louis Harris and Associates and Zogby’s from conducting research and reporting their findings ever again. Terrorism must be fought on all fronts and at all costs.”

When approached, no pollster offered comment due to fear of a preemptive missile strike on their homes or businesses.

Bush, however, was more than happy to keep babbling. Said the President, “There is a new weapon being used by Osama bin Laden and the evildoers in Al-Qaeda and that weapon is the poll. We must fight the pollsters here so we don’t have to fight them there. Or something like that.”

Fox News will not be effected.


REPUBLICAN PRESS RELEASE CALLS FOR NEW BULLSHIT ISSUES COME ELECTION TIME

Republicans, seemingly fresh out of ideas, have issued a press release asking all conservatives for help coming up with new bullshit ideas to help swing votes their way come election time.

“We have succeeded in terrorizing swing voters with Gay Marriage and the omnipresent threat of terrorism. And remember the time we got people to doubt John Kerry’s bravery during the Vietnam War? That was awesome,” said the press release. “But now we’ve run out of ideas. We desperately need to think of more bullshit and fast.”

It went on to state: “It’s almost election time and Americans are starting to remember how horrible of a party we are. So, yeah, help us think of stuff.”

When asked for comment, Dick Cheney said “At first, we were thinking of linking high gas prices to John Edwards somehow, but we couldn’t really come up with anything that sounded good. And we eventually realized the high gas prices were our fault anyway. So, ya know. No luck there.”

He added: “Seriously, if we don’t come up with a new way to make Democrats appear weak on terror or turn Hillary Clinton into a lesbian dominatrix, we’re probably gonna end up having to wait for Howard Dean to scream again. Heck, it's worked before.”


BUSH ASKS POPE TO DECLARE HIS LIFE A MIRACLE

President George W. Bush is so amazed at the fact that he hasn’t been assassinated yet that he has asked Pope Benedict XVI to consider his life a miracle.

“I was just telling my dad the other day, “Dad, can you believe after all the shit I’ve pulled that I ain’t been killed yet?”

Added Bush: “I mean, what’s a bumbling ol’ hillbilly President gotta do to get shot at nowadays?”

The President apparently got the idea after being told last week by an advisor that former presidents had been killed in office before.

“Yeah, I never been much good at history and whatnot. Books on learnin’ ain’t really my thing. But, c’mon now. Kennedy? Lincoln? Heck, I screwed up way worse then them and I ain’t dead. So I figured I’d give this miracle business a try.”

The Vatican issued no comment.


Read more here:

Bush Approval Rating

Republican Tactics

Pope Benedict

Miracles

Presidential Assassinations



Technorati Tags: DogSpunk, President Bush, Low Approval Ratings, Bush Approval Rating, Zogby, Gallup, Harris Poll, Dick Cheney, Dean Scream, Miracle, Pope Benedict, JFK, Abraham Lincoln, assassination

HEADLINES: Read em and weep!

In case you haven’t visited DogSpunk before, this is a little segment we like to call Headlines. What we do is collect random news stories and then tell you what to think...just like the real media! The difference is we make it funny. So, what are you waiting for? Read on...


George Dubya Says Catching Fish His Greatest Accomplishment

BBC

President George W Bush has revealed to a German newspaper his best moment since he took office in 2001.

"I would say the best moment of all was when I caught a 7.5lb (3.4kg) perch in my lake," he told Bild am Sonntag.


Sadly, he’s right. Catching a fish, which was artificially stocked in his man-made lake, probably WAS his greatest accomplishment.


Reggie Bush Begins Life in New Orleans

By JASON KB, DogSpunk Sports Reporter

Highly touted USC running back, Reggie Bush, attended his first minicamp with the New Orleans Saints this weekend.

Bush, who was the second overall pick in this year’s NFL Draft, seemed very happy in his new surroundings:

"The way the city has embraced me, welcomed me, has been crazy," Bush said. "I'm so excited to be here."

This marks the first time in a while that residents of New Orleans were glad to find out anyone named Bush was in town.


McCain Makes Stop at Falwell's University

By SUE LINDSEY, AP Writer

LYNCHBURG, Va. - Sen. John McCain, looking to heal a rift with the religious conservatives who undermined his 2000 White House bid, told students graduating at the Rev. Jerry Falwell's university Saturday that Americans have a right to disagree on issues but should maintain respect for each other.

McCain's address made no direct mention of the political divide that separated McCain and Falwell after the Baptist preacher opposed his campaign for the GOP nomination in 2000 and supported George W. Bush. At the time, McCain labeled Falwell and others on the right and the left as "agents of intolerance."


Anyone else remember when McCain was a respected political figure? He has gone, in the span of 6 years, from a straight talking member of Congress to a guy who just kisses the ass of anyone he thinks can get him elected President. Hell, I can almost hear the slupring sounds from here.


Read more here:

Reggie Bush Picked 2nd By Saints

Reggie Bush Attends First Minicamp

Bush’s Fish Story

Bush Reveals Greatest Accomplishment

McCain Attends Falwell’s University


Technorati Tags: DogSpunk, Reggie Bush, New Orleans Saints, NFL Draft, President Bush, George Bush Fish, fish, John McCain, Jerry Falwell

THE DAVID BLAINE EXPERIMENT

David Blaine is a tool. There, I said it. Now, believe me, I used to actually like him. I thought his Street Magic specials were great. They excited people about magic during a time when interest in acts like David Copperfield were waining. So, what did Blaine do with his newly found fame? He became a cheap moronic stuntman.

Seriously, does anyone else remember when Davd Blaine performed actual magic tricks? I know he sprinkles a few card illusions throughout his specials now, but c’mon...what happened to the magic? Now he is just a guy who sits inside a box for a week while people throw tomatoes at him or something. My oh my, what will he think of next?

And that brings me to the point of this article. We are going to do a little experiment. Remember those fun little science experiments you would find on the back of cereal boxes and such? The ones that told you what you would need for the experiment about how to carry it out? Well, that’s kinda like what we are going to do today. Ours will be called “The David Blaine Experiment” and we will be trying to figure out, with simple science and probability, exactly what his next stunt will be.

Here is what you’ll need:

1) A suitable writing utensil

2) About 12 slips of paper large enough to hold short phrases.

3) Three hats, size and style not important

Here is what you do:

On the first four slips of paper, write down different containers that David Blaine will lock himself into. For instance, he has been encased in a block of ice, in a glass box, a water filled sphere, etc. So, for instance, write down “a block of ice” on one slip and go from there. You can actually use more than four suggestions if you want to use more than 12 total slips of paper Feel free to add new containers for Blaine if you think of something he hasn’t used yet. Heck, be creative. Science can be fun! Once you are done, fold the papers up and place them into the first of the three hats for later.

For the next step, you will do pretty much the same thing. But instead of writing down what Blaine’s container will consist of, this time you will write down how long he will be in it. 24 hours, 48 hours, a week, a month...it’s up to you. Again, once you finish writing down the timeframes, fold the papers and place them into the second hat.

The final thing you’ll want to do for this stage of the experiment is to use your remaining paper to write down variables for Blaine’s stunt. Don’t be afraid to be silly or outlandish. For instance, you might want to write something like “people throw garbage at him” to illustrate how some of Blaine’s stunts cause people to act aggressively. Personally, one of my variables will be “midgets pee on him twice an hour.” Like I said, don’t be afraid to be a little silly. And once you are done, fold these final papers and place them into your third hat.

Now here is what makes it all worthwhile. Pick up the first hat and shake it to mix the suggestions up. Once you are done, pick one out at random. Do the same for each of the two remaining hats. Now unfold your slips of paper, add a little creative license, and unveil the stunt you have created for David Blaine!

When you have finished, you should see something funny that probably isn’t too far removed from what his next ABC special will actually be. Here is what I came up with in order of the draw:

A Pine Box. One Week. Elephants Poop On Him Daily.

So what does this mean for David Blaine? It means that I have predicted his next stunt to be one in which he locks himself in a pine box for one week while elephants poop on him daily. Someone call ABC. I think we’ve got a hit on our hands.

Now you try. It’s actually pretty fun. And the best part is, the more suggestions you put in, the more different predictions you will be able to make. So go wild and, if you’d like, share some of the ones you came up with by posting a comment below. We’d love to hear from you. Now, get cracking!



Read More Here....

David Blaine, Drowned Alive


Technorati Tags: DogSpunk, David Blaine, Drowned Alive, Street Magic, ABC, ABC Network, Block Of Ice, Blaine A Tool

THE BRIGHT SIDE: Good News/Bad News

Sometimes the news isn’t exactly what it seems. Sometimes stories that seem full of bad news actually have little bits of happiness in them, hidden deep behind the sadness. That is where DogSpunk comes in. We find these stories that have sad undertones and help you to look at the bright side. Enjoy!


Ex-Band Manager Gets 4 Years for R.I. Fire

Daniel Biechele, former manager of 80s rock band Great White, was sentenced to 4 years in prison for his role in the accidental fire that killed 100 people at a Rhode Island nightclub in 2003. Among the dead were the band’s guitarist.

THE BAD NEWS:

100 people had to die

THE GOOD NEWS:

One of them was Great White’s guitarist. And that band sucked.



Keith Richards Discharged From Hospital

Rolling Stone’s guitarist Keith Richards was released from the hospital recently after undergoing surgery to relieve pressure in his head following a fall from a palm tree in Fiji.

THE BAD NEWS:

He got seriously hurt and may never fully recover.

THE GOOD NEWS:

Keith left just enough drugs available in Fiji for the locals to get high now.



Britney Spears: ...Baby One More Time

Britney Spears announced on David Letterman this week that she is indeed pregnant again, thus confirming the many rumors which had been swirling.

THE BAD NEWS:

Britney Spears is pregnant,obviously.

THE GOOD NEWS:

Maybe this time she’ll die during child birth.



Read More Here....

Great White Nightclub Fire

Keith Richards Hospitalized

Britney Spears Pregnant



Technorati Tags: DogSpunk, Great White, Great White Fire, Nightclub Fire, Keith Richards, Keith Richards Hospitalized, Britney Spears, Britney Spears Pregnant, David Letterman

HEADLINES: All up in ya grill wit da news

This was a funny little story I saw on Yahoo News, courtesy of the AP, about current President George Bush visiting former President Gerald Ford at his home in Rancho Mirage, California.


Bush Visits Ailing Former President Ford

Sun Apr 23, 9:49 PM ET

RANCHO MIRAGE, Calif. -
President Bush paid a visit Sunday to the ailing former President Ford at his home in this resort town where Bush was spending the weekend.

The nearly hourlong visit, conducted out of public view and kept under wraps until the last minute, could be the last time Bush would see the oldest living former commander in chief. Ford, 92, was hospitalized with pneumonia for 12 days in January and has not been seen much in public of late.


/ / / / / / / / / / / /


We here at DogSpunk have uncovered a conversation that took place between Bush, an advisor along for the trip, and the former commander in chief. We produce it here, unedited, for your amusement:


BUSH: (to advisor) Gerald Ford is the guy who invented the automobile, right?

ADVISOR: No, sir. That is Henry Ford you are thinking of. And he didn’t
invent the automobile, he applied the use of the assembly line
to manufacture them.

BUSH: Well, what did this Ford invent?

ADVISOR: Nothing, sir. Mr. Ford is the former President of the United States.

BUSH: Oh, President? Like me! Yay!

(Gerald Ford approaches with his wife, Betty)

BUSH: Hey Jerry, nice to see you. Betty, you look wonderful.

(President Bush begins audibly sniffing the air)

BUSH: What’s that smell?

FORD: I just crapped myself.

BUSH: That’s okay. I do that all the time. Now let’s go inside and talk about those assemberly line thingies you invented.


Technorati Tags: DogSpunk, George Bush, Dubya, Gerald Ford, Bush Visits Ford, Henry Ford, Ford Automobiles, Assembly Line

GEORGE BUSH: BEHIND THE SPEECH

Recently our old pal G-Dubbya admitted to hearing voices and announced rather firmly that he has apparently been annointed as a super-being known only as “The Decider.” Here, read for yourself...


Bush: "I'm the Decider"

Houston Chronicle

Apr. 19--WASHINGTON -- Aiming to revitalize his administration, President Bush nominated a new budget director Tuesday and signaled more personnel changes are imminent.

The president also used the occasion to denounce critics of Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, including the retired generals calling for his ouster.

"I hear the voices, and I read the front page, and I know the speculation. But I'm the decider, and I decide what is best," Bush said, sounding frustrated.

/ / / / / / / / / / /


What are the voices telling him? Nothing about grammar, I’ll bet. I mean, what the fuck is a decider?

But, honestly now, I wonder how many different titles he thought up for himself before figuring that “the decider” was the best. I’ll bet at least several. Here’s a guess as to what some of them might have been:

5: Supreme Overlord of America

4: Captain Courageous

3: The Egg Man

2: The Walrus

1: The Decisioner

Seriously, I’ll bet he almost used the Decisioner. He probably spent several hours daydreaming about being a super hero called The Decisioner, with his own cape and red underwear and everything. The only problem was all super heroes have weaknesses. And, unfortunately for the Decisioner, his actual decisions are the kryptonite that destroys us all.


SparkyTheSpunkyDog adds:

He could also be called "The Watcher," or "The Voyeur," seeing as how he likes to snoop on American citizens without their knowledge and without permission from the courts.


Technorati Tags: DogSpunk, George Bush, Dubya, Decider, Rumsfeld, Rummy, Kryptonite

HEADLINES: DOGSPUNK STYLE!!

Unfortunately it’s been too long, so, once again, here’s how we roll with the Headline segment here on Dogspunk: We take a real headline and a give you a little of the real story. Then, we make fun of it in italics. Simple enough. Today’s edition it short and simple. And even kinda sorta up to date. Way to go, Dogspunkers!

Study fails to show healing power of prayer

By Michael Conlon

CHICAGO (Reuters) - A study of more than 1,800 patients who underwent heart bypass surgery has failed to show that prayers specially organized for their recovery had any impact, researchers said Thursday.

In fact, the study found some of the patients who knew they were being prayed for did worse than others who were only told they might be prayed for -- though those who did the study said they could not explain why.


What if you pray for bad stuff to happen? Would that work? I've been praying for some time for Tom Cruise and Katie Holme’s baby to be born a quivering bubble of melted flesh. But the fucker is as healthy as can be. Well, as healthy as a baby could be being Tom Cruise’s son and all. Oh well. I'll keep trying. I still believe Jesus is listening.


Technorati Tags: DogSpunk, Prayer, Power Of Prayer

DOGSPUNK: URBAN LEGENDS

There are many things in this world that are stranger than fiction. Many things that will make even grown men shudder with fear. Urban legends are one of these things.

We have probably all heard an urban legend or two. Maybe there are even a few that are unique to the community in which you live. For instance, in Chicago, there is the legend of Resurrection Mary. Many travelers along the road in front of Resurrection Cemetery have reported seeing the disembodied spirit of a woman, dead for many years, who still walks through the area late at night. Or, there is the legend of the Mothman, whose very sighting some believe foretells tragic events that happen in West Virginia.

Now the legend I am going to tell you of today is something you may not have heard about. But, believe me, you need to hear it. Ignoring it could mean losing no less than your very life. Today’s urban legend is...


The Cheney Shotgun Demon

Picture it: You are standing in a darkened bathroom staring into the mirror. With sweaty palms and a pounding heart you begin to say his name five times.

“Dick Cheney....Dick Cheney....”

Your mind begins to race. The thoughts zip through your mind like a locomotive. What am I doing? I shouldn’t be here. What if it’s real?

“Dick Cheney....Dick Cheney....”

Places all over your body begin to itch and you can feel the blood rushing into your face making it hot with fear. Saying his name just once more could very well be the last thing you ever do. Yet you do it.

“Dick Cheney.”

And then nothing. Silence. But only for a moment. Before you have even released the breath you’ve been holding in your lungs, he appears. The one you have summoned. Vice President Dick Cheney.

He comes engulfed in a ball of fire that scorches your skin and the walls all around you. There is nothing but evil in his eyes and his mouth is contorted into a demonic grin. Just as you begin to scream you see his quail hunting rifle pointed right at your head. It is almost in slow motion. You hear the blast and see the buckshot heading your way. Then everything goes dark.

What I’ve just described is a scenario that seems to have come right out of a filmmaker’s imagination and yet it hasn’t. Make no mistake, my friends. The Cheney Shotgun Demon is very real. Reports across the country have estimated that as many as eleven people have died immediately after testing this urban legend. Teenagers, in particular. But one case of an elderly lawyer has also recently come to light.

My point is this: Believe and be afraid. Do not discount what I have told you. If you are having a sleep over with friends or having a conversation at work and the Cheney Shotgun Demon comes up, leave the room. Just get out of there. Don’t tempt fate. Do not allow yourself to be backed into a corner feeling you have to prove your bravery by saying his name into a mirror. Let them call you names. Let them tease you. At least, when all is said and done, you’ll still be alive.


Technorati Tags: DogSpunk, Urban Legends, Dick Cheney, Shotgun, Mothman, Resurrection Mary, Chicago, Cheney Shotgun Demon, Vice President, Legends, Candy Man, Candyman, Five Times, Mirror

STEVE MARTIN APOLOGIZES IN ADVANCE FOR HIS NEXT MOVIE, ATTEMPTS SUICIDE

Beloved actor and comedian, Steve Martin, sat surrounded by fans at a Los Ageles bar recently. In one hand was a half empty bottle of Jim Beam he had been drinking and, in the other, a revolver.

“My next movie is really gonna suck,” he said between hits on the bottle. Trust me, I know. I’m in it.”

Mr. Martin was expressing disappointment over his starring roles in a recent string of bad movies.

Added Steve Martin: “I mean, fuck, did anyone see Cheaper By the Dozen 2?”

When only one man toward the back of the crowd said he had, Mr. Martin looked right at him and said, “Oh, so you’re the one.”

The crowd, becoming increasingly uncomfortable, giggled nervously.

“I mean, really, who the fuck do I think I am? Eddie Murphy?,” he asked rhetorically. “I cultivated a successful comedy career, enjoyed fame on Saturday Night Live, and now I am making shitty movies. Yes, I must be Eddie Murphy.”

“Next month I’ll be picking up transvestites,” he deadpanned.

As he got up to leave, Mr. Martin pointed the revolver to his head and pulled the trigger. Only the click of the hammer hitting an empty chamber could be heard.

“Well, fuck it, then. I guess I’ll call up my agent and see if I can remake the Pink Panther. Oh, wait...I already did that. I really am hopeless.”

He then walked out of the bar and right into oncoming traffic. He is recovering at Cedars-Sinai.


Technorati Tags: DogSpunk, Steve Martin, Suicide, Jim Beam, Revolver, Eddie Murphy, Cheaper By The Dozen, Cheaper By The Dozen 2, Pink Panther, Transvestite