BIN LADEN RELEASES TAPE, HOLLAS AT HIS BITCHES

Osama bin Laden, leader of Al-Qaeda, has released a new tape in which he admits that the recently convicted Zacarias Moussaoui had nothing to do with the terrorist attacks on September 11th.

"I am the one in charge of the 19 brothers and I never assigned brother Zacarias to be with them in that mission," he said, thus fueling belief that Moussaoui was more interested in martyrdom than being a suicide bomber.

Before bin Laden issued that statement, however, he shocked American translators by the many other things he had to say. For instance, he appeared to lead off the recording by specifically acknowledging certain groups of his admirers. Said bin Laden: “I first want to give a shout out to all my bitches and hoes in Afghanistan. You know I got much love for all ya’all.”

He added: “I want you to know I’m doing well and have appreciated the care packages you have sent me. The newest Kanye West CD, in particular, was phat.”

Bin Laden, always one to stay in contact with his followers, closed the recording by offering a new way to track his activity: the World Wide Web.

“For those that have internet access, I would like to formally announce the opening of my first Myspace site,” he said. “Be sure to leave me comments on all the cool pics I have uploaded. Kudos on my blog entries would be totally sweet as well.”

Messages left for Tom have gone unreturned.


Read More Here:

Osama bin Laden

Myspace

Kanye West

September 11th



Technorati Tags: DogSpunk, Osama, Osama bin Laden, Al-Qaeda, 9/11, September 11th, Terrorism, Moussaoui, MySpace, MySpace.Com, Kanye West

NEWS OF THE FUTURE: GOP STYLE

Today’s edition of News of the Future comes after a wave of inspiration due, mainly in part, to our President being a moron. I’m sure many of you can relate.

Now here’s how it works: We read the news and make educated guesses, usually funny, about what will happen based on the information we have. Sound good to you? Yeah? Well, then let’s get it started!


WITH APPROVAL RATING NEAR 2 PERCENT; BUSH ANNOUNCES THAT POLLING IS AN ACT OF TERROR

George W. Bush, whose approval rating will soon fall to 2 percent, has issued a Presidential Proclamation that taking polls is now akin to a terrorist act.

“Taking polls undermines my Presidency and, more importantly, hurts America in the war on terror,” Bush said. “For this reason, I have outlawed the people at the Gallup Organization, Louis Harris and Associates and Zogby’s from conducting research and reporting their findings ever again. Terrorism must be fought on all fronts and at all costs.”

When approached, no pollster offered comment due to fear of a preemptive missile strike on their homes or businesses.

Bush, however, was more than happy to keep babbling. Said the President, “There is a new weapon being used by Osama bin Laden and the evildoers in Al-Qaeda and that weapon is the poll. We must fight the pollsters here so we don’t have to fight them there. Or something like that.”

Fox News will not be effected.


REPUBLICAN PRESS RELEASE CALLS FOR NEW BULLSHIT ISSUES COME ELECTION TIME

Republicans, seemingly fresh out of ideas, have issued a press release asking all conservatives for help coming up with new bullshit ideas to help swing votes their way come election time.

“We have succeeded in terrorizing swing voters with Gay Marriage and the omnipresent threat of terrorism. And remember the time we got people to doubt John Kerry’s bravery during the Vietnam War? That was awesome,” said the press release. “But now we’ve run out of ideas. We desperately need to think of more bullshit and fast.”

It went on to state: “It’s almost election time and Americans are starting to remember how horrible of a party we are. So, yeah, help us think of stuff.”

When asked for comment, Dick Cheney said “At first, we were thinking of linking high gas prices to John Edwards somehow, but we couldn’t really come up with anything that sounded good. And we eventually realized the high gas prices were our fault anyway. So, ya know. No luck there.”

He added: “Seriously, if we don’t come up with a new way to make Democrats appear weak on terror or turn Hillary Clinton into a lesbian dominatrix, we’re probably gonna end up having to wait for Howard Dean to scream again. Heck, it's worked before.”


BUSH ASKS POPE TO DECLARE HIS LIFE A MIRACLE

President George W. Bush is so amazed at the fact that he hasn’t been assassinated yet that he has asked Pope Benedict XVI to consider his life a miracle.

“I was just telling my dad the other day, “Dad, can you believe after all the shit I’ve pulled that I ain’t been killed yet?”

Added Bush: “I mean, what’s a bumbling ol’ hillbilly President gotta do to get shot at nowadays?”

The President apparently got the idea after being told last week by an advisor that former presidents had been killed in office before.

“Yeah, I never been much good at history and whatnot. Books on learnin’ ain’t really my thing. But, c’mon now. Kennedy? Lincoln? Heck, I screwed up way worse then them and I ain’t dead. So I figured I’d give this miracle business a try.”

The Vatican issued no comment.


Read more here:

Bush Approval Rating

Republican Tactics

Pope Benedict

Miracles

Presidential Assassinations



Technorati Tags: DogSpunk, President Bush, Low Approval Ratings, Bush Approval Rating, Zogby, Gallup, Harris Poll, Dick Cheney, Dean Scream, Miracle, Pope Benedict, JFK, Abraham Lincoln, assassination

HEADLINES: Read em and weep!

In case you haven’t visited DogSpunk before, this is a little segment we like to call Headlines. What we do is collect random news stories and then tell you what to think...just like the real media! The difference is we make it funny. So, what are you waiting for? Read on...


George Dubya Says Catching Fish His Greatest Accomplishment

BBC

President George W Bush has revealed to a German newspaper his best moment since he took office in 2001.

"I would say the best moment of all was when I caught a 7.5lb (3.4kg) perch in my lake," he told Bild am Sonntag.


Sadly, he’s right. Catching a fish, which was artificially stocked in his man-made lake, probably WAS his greatest accomplishment.


Reggie Bush Begins Life in New Orleans

By JASON KB, DogSpunk Sports Reporter

Highly touted USC running back, Reggie Bush, attended his first minicamp with the New Orleans Saints this weekend.

Bush, who was the second overall pick in this year’s NFL Draft, seemed very happy in his new surroundings:

"The way the city has embraced me, welcomed me, has been crazy," Bush said. "I'm so excited to be here."

This marks the first time in a while that residents of New Orleans were glad to find out anyone named Bush was in town.


McCain Makes Stop at Falwell's University

By SUE LINDSEY, AP Writer

LYNCHBURG, Va. - Sen. John McCain, looking to heal a rift with the religious conservatives who undermined his 2000 White House bid, told students graduating at the Rev. Jerry Falwell's university Saturday that Americans have a right to disagree on issues but should maintain respect for each other.

McCain's address made no direct mention of the political divide that separated McCain and Falwell after the Baptist preacher opposed his campaign for the GOP nomination in 2000 and supported George W. Bush. At the time, McCain labeled Falwell and others on the right and the left as "agents of intolerance."


Anyone else remember when McCain was a respected political figure? He has gone, in the span of 6 years, from a straight talking member of Congress to a guy who just kisses the ass of anyone he thinks can get him elected President. Hell, I can almost hear the slupring sounds from here.


Read more here:

Reggie Bush Picked 2nd By Saints

Reggie Bush Attends First Minicamp

Bush’s Fish Story

Bush Reveals Greatest Accomplishment

McCain Attends Falwell’s University


Technorati Tags: DogSpunk, Reggie Bush, New Orleans Saints, NFL Draft, President Bush, George Bush Fish, fish, John McCain, Jerry Falwell

THE DAVID BLAINE EXPERIMENT

David Blaine is a tool. There, I said it. Now, believe me, I used to actually like him. I thought his Street Magic specials were great. They excited people about magic during a time when interest in acts like David Copperfield were waining. So, what did Blaine do with his newly found fame? He became a cheap moronic stuntman.

Seriously, does anyone else remember when Davd Blaine performed actual magic tricks? I know he sprinkles a few card illusions throughout his specials now, but c’mon...what happened to the magic? Now he is just a guy who sits inside a box for a week while people throw tomatoes at him or something. My oh my, what will he think of next?

And that brings me to the point of this article. We are going to do a little experiment. Remember those fun little science experiments you would find on the back of cereal boxes and such? The ones that told you what you would need for the experiment about how to carry it out? Well, that’s kinda like what we are going to do today. Ours will be called “The David Blaine Experiment” and we will be trying to figure out, with simple science and probability, exactly what his next stunt will be.

Here is what you’ll need:

1) A suitable writing utensil

2) About 12 slips of paper large enough to hold short phrases.

3) Three hats, size and style not important

Here is what you do:

On the first four slips of paper, write down different containers that David Blaine will lock himself into. For instance, he has been encased in a block of ice, in a glass box, a water filled sphere, etc. So, for instance, write down “a block of ice” on one slip and go from there. You can actually use more than four suggestions if you want to use more than 12 total slips of paper Feel free to add new containers for Blaine if you think of something he hasn’t used yet. Heck, be creative. Science can be fun! Once you are done, fold the papers up and place them into the first of the three hats for later.

For the next step, you will do pretty much the same thing. But instead of writing down what Blaine’s container will consist of, this time you will write down how long he will be in it. 24 hours, 48 hours, a week, a month...it’s up to you. Again, once you finish writing down the timeframes, fold the papers and place them into the second hat.

The final thing you’ll want to do for this stage of the experiment is to use your remaining paper to write down variables for Blaine’s stunt. Don’t be afraid to be silly or outlandish. For instance, you might want to write something like “people throw garbage at him” to illustrate how some of Blaine’s stunts cause people to act aggressively. Personally, one of my variables will be “midgets pee on him twice an hour.” Like I said, don’t be afraid to be a little silly. And once you are done, fold these final papers and place them into your third hat.

Now here is what makes it all worthwhile. Pick up the first hat and shake it to mix the suggestions up. Once you are done, pick one out at random. Do the same for each of the two remaining hats. Now unfold your slips of paper, add a little creative license, and unveil the stunt you have created for David Blaine!

When you have finished, you should see something funny that probably isn’t too far removed from what his next ABC special will actually be. Here is what I came up with in order of the draw:

A Pine Box. One Week. Elephants Poop On Him Daily.

So what does this mean for David Blaine? It means that I have predicted his next stunt to be one in which he locks himself in a pine box for one week while elephants poop on him daily. Someone call ABC. I think we’ve got a hit on our hands.

Now you try. It’s actually pretty fun. And the best part is, the more suggestions you put in, the more different predictions you will be able to make. So go wild and, if you’d like, share some of the ones you came up with by posting a comment below. We’d love to hear from you. Now, get cracking!



Read More Here....

David Blaine, Drowned Alive


Technorati Tags: DogSpunk, David Blaine, Drowned Alive, Street Magic, ABC, ABC Network, Block Of Ice, Blaine A Tool

THE BRIGHT SIDE: Good News/Bad News

Sometimes the news isn’t exactly what it seems. Sometimes stories that seem full of bad news actually have little bits of happiness in them, hidden deep behind the sadness. That is where DogSpunk comes in. We find these stories that have sad undertones and help you to look at the bright side. Enjoy!


Ex-Band Manager Gets 4 Years for R.I. Fire

Daniel Biechele, former manager of 80s rock band Great White, was sentenced to 4 years in prison for his role in the accidental fire that killed 100 people at a Rhode Island nightclub in 2003. Among the dead were the band’s guitarist.

THE BAD NEWS:

100 people had to die

THE GOOD NEWS:

One of them was Great White’s guitarist. And that band sucked.



Keith Richards Discharged From Hospital

Rolling Stone’s guitarist Keith Richards was released from the hospital recently after undergoing surgery to relieve pressure in his head following a fall from a palm tree in Fiji.

THE BAD NEWS:

He got seriously hurt and may never fully recover.

THE GOOD NEWS:

Keith left just enough drugs available in Fiji for the locals to get high now.



Britney Spears: ...Baby One More Time

Britney Spears announced on David Letterman this week that she is indeed pregnant again, thus confirming the many rumors which had been swirling.

THE BAD NEWS:

Britney Spears is pregnant,obviously.

THE GOOD NEWS:

Maybe this time she’ll die during child birth.



Read More Here....

Great White Nightclub Fire

Keith Richards Hospitalized

Britney Spears Pregnant



Technorati Tags: DogSpunk, Great White, Great White Fire, Nightclub Fire, Keith Richards, Keith Richards Hospitalized, Britney Spears, Britney Spears Pregnant, David Letterman