STEVE MARTIN APOLOGIZES IN ADVANCE FOR HIS NEXT MOVIE, ATTEMPTS SUICIDE

Beloved actor and comedian, Steve Martin, sat surrounded by fans at a Los Ageles bar recently. In one hand was a half empty bottle of Jim Beam he had been drinking and, in the other, a revolver.

“My next movie is really gonna suck,” he said between hits on the bottle. Trust me, I know. I’m in it.”

Mr. Martin was expressing disappointment over his starring roles in a recent string of bad movies.

Added Steve Martin: “I mean, fuck, did anyone see Cheaper By the Dozen 2?”

When only one man toward the back of the crowd said he had, Mr. Martin looked right at him and said, “Oh, so you’re the one.”

The crowd, becoming increasingly uncomfortable, giggled nervously.

“I mean, really, who the fuck do I think I am? Eddie Murphy?,” he asked rhetorically. “I cultivated a successful comedy career, enjoyed fame on Saturday Night Live, and now I am making shitty movies. Yes, I must be Eddie Murphy.”

“Next month I’ll be picking up transvestites,” he deadpanned.

As he got up to leave, Mr. Martin pointed the revolver to his head and pulled the trigger. Only the click of the hammer hitting an empty chamber could be heard.

“Well, fuck it, then. I guess I’ll call up my agent and see if I can remake the Pink Panther. Oh, wait...I already did that. I really am hopeless.”

He then walked out of the bar and right into oncoming traffic. He is recovering at Cedars-Sinai.


Technorati Tags: DogSpunk, Steve Martin, Suicide, Jim Beam, Revolver, Eddie Murphy, Cheaper By The Dozen, Cheaper By The Dozen 2, Pink Panther, Transvestite

NEWS OF THE FUTURE: Dogspunk, telling you what will happen, one story at a time.

Unite, my brothers and sisters, and fight the tyranny of the news media that only tells you what has happened but never what is going to happen. That is why your friends here at DogSpunk work tirelessly for at least 2 or 3 minutes per day to bring you the news before it actually takes place. After all, just because something hasn’t happened yet doesn’t mean it isn’t newsworthy.

In today’s edition, I plan on making fun of our president. Basically because it’s fun and he’s an easy target. Enjoy!

Ex-White House Aide Arrested in Refund Scam

Claude Allen, a former Bush aide, was arrested this week and charged with swindling $5000 from several department stores in a refund scam.

He would allegedly bring in receipts for items he never purchased and attempt to collect money. Items included a home theater system, clothes, and an assortment of other inexpensive objects.

Mr. Allen was at one time considered an “up and comer,” being among the highest ranking African-American Republicans in the country.

President Bush will be going on record at a press conference shortly to announce he has never met Allen in his life. When the floor is opened up for questions, a reporter will ask, “Mr. President, how can you say you have never met this man? He was a former aide of yours.” Bush will respond by asking him to prove it. The reporter will show him at least a dozen photographs of the President taken with his former adviser. Bush will say, “Hey, just because I had my picture taken with him doesn’t mean I know him. Heck, I get my picture taken all the time with colored people. Anyone who knows me knows that I don’t even like negroes. Kanye West could have told you that. Next question.”

Iraq Plunges Into Civil War

Thousands of Iraqis will be killed next month as the country regresses into all-out civil war. President Bush will be informed of the bloodshed, but will be too busy reading a children’s book to toddlers to make much sense out of it.

In a related story, he will struggle with the pronunciation of the words “pet” and “goat.”

President Bush Seeks Third Term

The President will announce in public that he will seek another term of the Presidency next year, only to be told the term limit for Presidents is limited to two.

Bush will respond, “Two? You mean I’ve been sitting on my ass all these years doing nothing and now I can’t even get reelected? What is going on here?”

Later, the President will realize that holding up three fingers and saying, “this many,” is hilarious.

Technorati Tags: DogSpunk, Bush Stupid, Pet, Goat, My Pet Goat, Bush Aide, President Bush, Iraq Civil War, Claude Allen, Iraq, Kanye West, Kanye

HEADLINES: So you don't have to read them later

The Office on NBC is a rerun tonight, but I plan on watching it anyway...so here’s the deal really quick:

I’ll give you the headline and a bit of the story from the actual writer and then, in italics, tell you what to think. This way you won’t have to waste your time being told what to think later by the real news media.

And away we go...


Dubai Firm to Give Up Stake in U.S. Ports

By DAVID ESPO and ANDREW TAYLOR, Associated Press Writers

WASHINGTON - Bowing to ferocious opposition in Congress, a Dubai-owned company signaled surrender Thursday in its quest to take over operations at U.S. ports.

"DP World will transfer fully the U.S. operations ... to a United States entity," the firm's top executive, H. Edward Bilkey, said in an announcement that capped weeks of controversy.

The announcement appeared to indicate an end to a politically tinged controversy that brought President Bush and Republicans in Congress to the brink of an election-year veto battle on a terrorism-related issue....

Bush (had) defended the deal, calling the United Arab Emirates a strong ally in the war on terror and pledging to cast a veto if Congress voted to interfere.

It is nice to hear that it’s finally over, one way or another. But here’s what always bothered me about this whole thing: Bush was absolutely outraged that people would be against this deal. “There is no reason to fear,” he seemed to be saying. But, I’m sorry, wasn’t it Bush and this entire administration that has been stoking the flames of fear since September 11th 2001? And now, NOW, we don’t have to be afraid anymore because HE said so? Doesn’t make much sense when you look at it from that angle.


Graham Speechless After New Orleans Tour

By MICHELLE ROBERTS, Associated Press Writer

NEW ORLEANS - Evangelist Billy Graham, whose ministry has taken him to some of the world's least-developed countries, said Thursday that the scope of devastation he saw as he toured hurricane-ravaged New Orleans this week left him speechless.

"I cannot imagine what those people have been through," Graham said during an interview with The Associated Press, a day after he was shown some of the areas hardest hit by Hurricane Katrina. "This is a far greater disaster than the average American understands."

Hey, you old bastard, didn’t you get the memo? Everything is fine there. Damn, don’t you watch the news? They just had Mardi Gras there, duh!! Things are getting back to normal. Listen and obey your government sponsored news programs, you codger.


3 Students Charged in Ala. Church Fires

By JAY REEVES, Associated Press Write

BIRMINGHAM, Ala. - For weeks, church congregants in rural Alabama were on high alert, eager to find out who was burning down their churches. The answer, authorities now say, was three college students who took a prank too far.

Ah, a silly prank. Harmless shenanigans. Kids these days, right? Seriously, these kids need to be sent to Singapore for a good, old fashioned caning. This is nothing that a violent ass beating with a stick wouldn’t cure. And then, just for good measure, put them in a cell for a few nights with a really well hung inmate who hasn’t seen a woman in a while. Ya know, for kicks and all.


Technorati Tags: DogSpunk, Port Controversy, Port, Controversy, Katrina, President Bush, President Bush, Alabama Church Fires, Billy Graham, Dubai

NEWS OF THE FUTURE: Because why should we wait for something to happen before we report on it?

Ok, kids, you know how we here at DogSpunk roll with the News of the Future segment, right? Well, in case you are just tuning in...here’s how it works:

I sit down at my laptop in pajamas that haven’t been washed in about two weeks and begin to randomly make stuff up about news issues or celebrities. There’s only two rules: the stuff I write about hasn’t happened (or will never happen) and it’s more entertaining than reading the “real” news.

That being said, check out what we’ve got in store for you today!

Jesus of Nazareth Commits Suicide

Breaking news out of Heaven as DogSpunk has learned that Jesus of Nazareth, the Son of God, died yesterday afternoon of a self-inflicted crucifixion.

“Things are pretty hectic right now,” said Spokesman of Heaven, John the Baptist, “but it appears He was distraught over the news that Pam Anderson’s sitcom was coming back with new episodes in a few days. He simply wasn’t a fan.”

According to several sources, Jesus had come out of his room earlier in the day and asked if anyone had heard the news.

“He was just like, 'What the fuck? How come no one told me that unholy bitch’s show was coming back? You know how I hate it,’ recalled the Disciple Paul. “He was just really upset at us. He actually called me a motherfucker now that I think about it.”

After the outburst, Jesus apparently excused himself and went back to bed, saying that he did not want to be disturbed. He was found crucified later that night when other disciples became concerned about Him.

“We didn’t even realize what was happening in there,” said James, the brother of Jesus. “None of us heard Him pounding the nails into Himself or anything. But, He was magic so, ya know.”

Apparently, Jesus had a history of depression. When reached for comment, Joseph of Arimathea said, “This isn’t the first time this has happened, actually. Jesus took his sitcom watching very seriously. You should have seen what happened when he learned that Cheers was being canceled. He turned wine into shit. Can you believe that? Wine into shit. It was amazing. He truly was the Son of God.”

“But do not worry," he added. “He will be Resurrected in three days. He never misses an episode of My Name is Earl.”

Technorati Tags: DogSpunk, Jesus Suicide, Jesus, Suicide, God, Pamela Anderson, Pam Anderson, Cheers, My Name Is Earl, Nazareth

HEADLINES: SO YOU DON’T NEED TO READ THEM LATER

Ok, here’s the deal...you consider yourself a reasonably educated, sophisticated human being. You WANT to be up to date on the news and “what’s happening out there.” But, the fact is, the news is just boring!! And who can be bothered with something that isn’t entertaining, right? You’ve got more important things to do: like scratch yourself and play Playstation 2.

That’s where I come in.

I’m gonna give you a few of the headlines and a bit of each story, courtesy of Yahoo News, then tell you what to think about them in italics. Ya know, almost like the REAL media. This way you don’t have to be bothered later while you’re scratching yourself and playing that Playstation 2. Deal? Deal. Let’s go....


Former Congressman Gets Eight-Plus Years

By SETH HETTENA, Associated Press Writer

SAN DIEGO - Former Rep. Randy "Duke" Cunningham, who collected $2.4 million in homes, yachts, antique furnishings and other bribes on a scale unparalleled in the history of Congress, was sentenced Friday to eight years and four months in prison, the longest term meted out to a congressman in decades.

Wow, that is one corrupt bastard. He deserves to be punished. But seriously, when are the rest of the crooks going to get theirs? I’m still waiting on anyone of importance from Enron to get some jail time. And what is going on with the whole Scooter Libby/Dick Cheney/CIA Leak case? The liberal media is really falling behind in their coverage here.


Bush Visits Pakistan Amid Protests

By TERENCE HUNT, AP White House Correspondent

ISLAMABAD, Pakistan - Traveling under heavy security, President Bush showed solidarity with Pakistan in the global war on terror Friday as anti-American protests flared across this Islamic nation. The visit probably put Bush closer than he's ever been to Osama bin Laden.

Wait a minute here. Pakistan is against terrorism? Since when? I could have sworn Pakistan’s Military dictator General Musharraf had been providing military and diplomatic aid to the terrorist haven Afghanistan not too long ago. These are our friends now? Well, with friends like that, who the hell wants friends? Hey, I’m just asking questions here.


Stars to Arrive at Oscars in Green Cars

AP
DETROIT - Oscar nominees Joaquin Phoenix, Jake Gyllenhaal and Frances McDormand are among those expected to step out of green vehicles and onto the red carpet at the Academy Awards ceremony Sunday.

In all, 25 VIPs are participating in the fourth annual "Red Carpet, Green Cars" event sponsored by Toyota Motor Corp. and the environmental organization Global Green USA. McDormand, Phoenix, Gyllenhaal, Jennifer Aniston and George Clooney are all expected to arrive at the Oscars in Toyota or Lexus hybrids, including the Toyota Prius, Lexus RX crossover and a hybrid version of the Toyota Camry, which goes on sale in May.

Seriously, who gives a damn? Is this news? Ok, look, on one hand...I like green. I think green is a lovely color. But I could really care less about what Danny Ocean is coming to the Oscars in. Does it matter? I understand that being dropped off by hybrids is a statement on our dependance on foreign oil but, upon closer inspection, is this more social commentary or an ad for Toyota and Lexus? I mean, if they just want to make a statement and not come across as whores for the car companies, the stars should carpool to the ceremony in their own vehicles or something. Just an idea...